[flickr_set id="72157639518407455"]
Author: Zach
-
Family Pictures
-
Our growing Colombian children.
Love them. -
Jamming to “This is not the End”
We like to dance. We like to spin. We like to jam. And play music loud. And sing “This is Not the End.”
And then go to bed….
-
Stuck: A Review and a Recommendation
Last night the families split up to watch the very excellent documentary called “Stuck”. I highly recommend it, and will be bugging families and friends to watch it.
The thesis behind the documentary is that the Hague Adoption Convention is not working. The convention was ratified in the United States with the understanding that:
- It would cut down on the level of corruption surrounding adoption
- It would increase the number of international adoptions
In fact, according to UNICEF, there has been no reduction in corruption. International adoptions in the United States has decreased by 60% in the past 6 years.
This decrease is not because there are fewer orphans.
It’s not because there are fewer families willing and wanting to adopt internationally.
It’s because there are hoops. Lots and lots of hoops. And while would be parents jump through those hoops, kids age out of the system.
What the Documentary Misses
While not really part of the thesis to the film, a key point missing is how difficult international adoption is after adopting the child. One might walk away from the documentary thinking adoption is wine and roses. It’s not. It can be very hard. And I always get nervous around naive would-be adoptive parents.
That said, there are tools and resources that help parents. And there are many wonderful parents who would do wonders with domestic and internationally adopted children.
If I were King of the World
Look, this is a complicated issue. Corruption is bad. Orphanages are a lesser bad (as compared to starving and living on the streets). The rights of birth parents need to be respected. International politics are convoluted (see Russia: Adoption). The Hague Convention had good intentions but unintended consequences.
But if I were King of the World, I’d put a time frame in place (say a year) then declare adoptability – international or otherwise. Children should not grow up in institutions if they do not have to. A clock is ticking.
Finally, Download the Film
Watch the film. It’s good. It can be viewed and purchased here: https://bothendsburning.org/initiatives/stuck/
-
Citizen Diego
Diego’s citizenship paperwork arrived the other day. He now has some proof that he’s a proud American! Next stop, the Social Security office.
-
The Universe is Made for Evens
The Vander Veen family is good about sitting down for dinner together. It may be late, it may be slightly cold, it may on many nights be pizza or soup and sandwiches. But we make it a point and, quite frankly, the nights it doesn’t happen make the entire evening seem off.
Prior to adopting Diego, cups had the correct tendency of staying anchored to the table. Did we have the occasional spill? Sure, but rarely. A more likely scenario would be Kelly trying to feed the dogs vegetables (which, while annoying, is at least clean).
As a family of 5, something happened. Milk is spilled on a semi-daily basis. Water flies off the table onto the floor. Wine spills have been avoided, but only because Renee and I guard our glasses with napkin holders and salt and pepper shakers.
And it’s not just Diego. It’s like suddenly the girls forgot how to hold cups or place them on a flat surface!
It’s not the table. I’ve checked. The legs are still even. Our setup is different, with having to place a child at the end of the table (no parent at the head of the table, we opted for “divide and separate” vs “authority at the head”).
Some days after learning that we were to adopt Diego I had lunch with my former superintendent. When he heard our good news he gave me a hearty congratulations and then a warning (he spoke from experience, having 3 daughters).
“Just be ready. The universe was built for evens, not odds.”
He then listed countless examples of situations that favored evens over odds. He did not mention spilled milk, but it seems a fairly plausible explanation as any.
In the meantime, we’re pragmatic and practical. Ren bought coffee cups with lids.
Adult sippy cups.
-
Adjusting
Monica and Kelly spent, as far as we can tell, their entire life together. They lived in the same foster families and, with just about every single major life event, always had the other near. Not that I’ve always recognized this fact, but that permanence acts as a foundation to their relationship (and extends to our relationships with them). They know each other well. The quirks, the behaviors, the buttons to push (and not push) at given times. And they do love each other in typical sisterly fashion.
Now along comes a brother.
A brother who is close in age, full of energy, ready to play and fight, and who comes with his own distinct adoption baggage (different from their own). Plus (because it’s simple math), he divides mom and papi’s attention.
It’s been interesting.
We expected this. I remember talking with Chris and Mary on how Nicolas and Diana had to go through a stage of bonding because they never knew each other well (having not been in the same foster families). Biological families go through similar experiences as the number of siblings increase. It’s normal.
But still interesting. Monica tends to stay above the fray. She handles the changes in, frankly, a pretty mature and self-reflective manner (I can’t tell you how flippin proud I am of how that girl is turning into an awesome young woman). We’ve had some honest breakdowns. Yesterday she told me she wished she didn’t have a brother anymore (again, normal). We’ve had to curb some mothering behaviors. Overall, nothing major.
Kelly and Diego are a different story. One minute they’re best friends, hooting and yelling and running and laughing. The next minute they’re tattling and fighting and playing war games on each other. Part of this is that they’re so very close in age. Kelly, I would say, is having the hardest time adjusting to the new family hierarchy She’s no longer the youngest. She’s also our daughter who responds best to predictable patterns, fewer surprises, and clear expectations. Right now we’re in a period of mild chaos. And that’s just how it’s going to be for a while as things settle.
Diego is adjusting and struggling in two areas. The first is communication. For the next few months he’s in the nether world of loosing the ability to communicate (as he forgets his Spanish) all the while trying to make sense of the new (English) words coming at him all the time. This is frustrating (think how frustrating it would be to us!) and you can see that frustration roll across his face sometimes. The second area of struggle is that he’s learning family rules. And the odd thing about some of these rules is that they were very much tailored to Monica and Kelly (and their issues) – so sometimes the rules seem strange (although some are arguably basic: don’t hit, bite, lie, etc.).
In short, we’re in an adjustment period. Overall I’d say we’re not facing anything unexpected (or drastic), but I do find value in recognizing that this is what is happening.
-
Church singing
Big, big house.
-
Diego in a bulldozer
We had to get a truckfull of compost for the garden. The driver let Diego help. Awesome.
-
We’re Back (For a While)
In geek terms, our web hosting provider is having issues with “unlimited bandwidth”. It’s not that our website uses that much bandwidth! But it seems that we’re under an old hosting package that never got upgraded and the tech support is, shall we say, challenging.
Anyway, we’re back online (at least until the end of the month).
-
I Wish We Were Rich – Rambling Thoughts on Money and Choices
Monica wants – has wanted – a Nintendo DS for nearly two years. This has not happened, mainly because Ren and I are uncomfortable with yet another electronic gizmo (especially such an addictive gizmo) in the hands of our video game loving daughter. While we would approach such a purchase as (another) opportunity to teacher all things in moderation, that particular lesson gets taught on a regular basis with the iPad. No need to add battles.
This week Monica again mentioned her desire for a DS. We politely told her it wasn’t going to happen. And then, somewhat wistfully, she said:
Awww, I wish we were rich.
I’m still chewing this over 5 days later. To some extent, it felt like a familiar, cliché moment. What person doesn’t fantasize from time to time about a world where money is no longer an obstacle to whims of desire? To entertain the “what would you do if you won the lottery” thought.
On the other hand, her statement also felt a bit surreal. Because, let’s be honest here, we are rich when compared to all the world standards (a particularly poignant fact made clear after catching glimpses of hard poverty in her home country).
We’re certainly not limitless wealthy. Raising a family is a constant lesson in economics (one that warrants future posts). Scarcity, especially time and money, is always a factor. There is only a finite amount of you to get things done. And there’s only a finite amount of dollars to use towards any given goal. One of the blessings of the middle class is that you have choices. But you still need to make a choice. For example, Nintendo DS or gymnastics for the month?
I suppose that’s why I’m still thinking about this days later. I let her comment slide (I think I even laughed). “We don’t have money for that” is, sometimes, an easy way out (especially because it’s rooted in some truth). Explaining why we spend money on some things over others is a harder conversation, usually because it involves morally gray areas and uncomfortable truths even for adults.
Not to mention if you’re a follower of Jesus, there’s a whole extra layer of complexity when it comes to wealth. Because, you know, He had some things to say about poverty.
Much of parenting (or, arguably, much of life) boils down to getting my children to ask some variation of these questions:
- What are/were my choices/options?
- Why do I want to make a particular choice?
- Is that choice wise?
Question three is the hardest and requires experience, be that experience from others or personal experience (which requires age!).
To be clear, I’m probably over thinking Monica’s comment (she really wanted to play some Mario). But her comment provided an opportunity to reflect.
-
Thank You (So Much)
Tonight I felt very blessed. We made a fire (it’s been spitting snowflakes all day) in the backroom. Monica and Kelly were showing off gymnastic moves. Diego was playing with stuffed animals. We peppered the girls with occasional homework questions. They jumped around like popcorn – shouting vocabulary words and days of the week (a particular rough spot for Shmoe). Today we did church for the first time and were surrounded by our faith family, all happy and excited to meet the little man in person.
When feeling blessed, I’ve a tendency to want to give thanks. And a thank you post is long overdue.
Adoption is a rather large, sometimes daunting, event. Ren and I are acutely aware of the many hands that helped bring this family of incredible Colombian kids into our arms. Here are the shoutouts.
Mom and Dad (Martin)
First and foremost, we want to thank Sam and Karen. Not only have they always been an incredible source of support, but they stepped in as guardians to girls when we traveled to Colombia (a large task in and of itself). Simply, they are wonderful grandparents. The girls were/are well loved.
Our Family
We also felt the love and prayers from the Vander Veen/Martin clans. Thanks to my mom and dad for watching our “other” kids, Lena and Kenzie. For Mom’s help the first few days with the kids (and the thankfully brief adjustment period). Thanks to Jeff and Kristen and nieces and brothers. Diego was so very excited to give Victor and Jesus big hugs. Thanks to Dalmans, Petroeljes, Joel and Kynnie and all the Skype sessions and humorous asides. Thanks to the Lohrstorfers (family by adoption) for the prayers and clothes! We love you all and are so very happy to be in families where adoption is just second nature.
Many thanks to extended family clans as well. Facebook comments were like gold.
Our Friends
We’ve many friends who’ve prayed this journey through. Thanks to our CHPC small group – chaotic and irregular as it is (we’re all having and adopting children!) – for hundreds of prayers the last 5 years (and for the gut checks). Thanks again to the Rozells for picking us up at the airport and serving some real American food as we waited for our connection flight. Thanks to Jen and Todd, Robs, Tim, Aaron (lunch while waiting for Visas!), Derek and Jenny, T and T, and many more for the prayer, support, and (especially) laughter. Thanks to the Walters, our other family from Holland. Thanks to the many work friends who pitched in with paperwork, stories, and occasional meals.
Our Church
Thank you College Hill for everything – for loving on our girls, prayers, and hugs. It was so good to be home today, surrounded by people sharing in our joy. Thank you 14th Street/Young Crew for continuing to be family.
Children’s Hope International
And the most excellent Nichole Deal. We’ve a wonderful adoption agency. They’ve got their hands full – what with international adoption constantly changing (and occasional immoral presidents – see Russia – shutting doors) – but we’ve always felt blessed to have an incredible (and transparent) agency. Given the odd situations of both our adoptions, they did an excellent job.
Olga Elena, Sorany, Lucia and David (and Andres)
These are the people who made the adoption in Colombia happen. They are professional, humorous, always willing to help, and exceptionally qualified. Going through the process twice, Ren and I feel a bit like they’re family.
Our Jobs
Ren and I are very blessed to work for organizations that supported us leaving for a good while to make this adoption happen. Thank you Milford Exempted Village School District, Hamilton City School District, and (to some extent), Oak Hills Local School District.
Governments
So yeah, I still am thankful to governments of Colombia and the United States. The USA is easy. They set up a clear process for adopting internationals in a manner that protects the rights of children (and their biological families). They also have a tax code that takes (some) of the sting out of the (large) costs of international adoption. Likewise, I’m thankful that Colombia has a pretty decent system of pulling their children out of dangerous homes and getting them into foster care. I’m not happy about how freaking long it takes to make these children adoptable (there are so many families waiting for them), but it is what it is.
There are more. I’m sure I’ve missed some. Thank you all.
It’s good to bring a family together.
-
Final Pictures. Leaving Colombia
One of the cool things about the Bed and Breakfast in Bogota (besides the hot water) is that you get to meet other families in the adoption process. This time around we’ve had the good fortune to be with a cool family from Indiana who are adopting two children. Frankly, it’s just refreshing (and a bit of a relief) to process (in English) with another couple. And it’s fun to see our kids play together. We’d ask that everyone keep them in their prayers as they’re a bit behind on the process, even though we arrived the same day (that’s the difference a fast court and super star lawyer can sometimes make). And waiting go home is hard.
On Tuesday we all went to go see the Salt Cathedral and explore a few of the neighboring municipalities of Bogota. David, Lucia’s son, was our (very incredible) tour guide through the stunningly beautiful mountainsides. Inside the Salt Cathedral we ditched the tour and started exploring on our own (more fun that way, and we weren’t really understanding much of the Spanish). Inside the cathedral you had the 13 stages of the cross craved in salt. Very cool.
Today we visited the American Embassy. It took about two hours, but we walked out with Diego’s Visa. This means, after a 2 hour conversation with Delta, we fly home tomorrow! It’s going to be a long day – but in the end we’ll finally get to hug our girls and get Diego into the arms of his big, immediate and extended family.
[slideshow_deploy id=’1410′]
