I have a confession to make. I was supposed to run 10 miles on Saturday. I had a dentist appointment at 11:00. I wore my running clothes and planned to go to the Y after the dentist and run on the treadmill because of all the ice and snow. I pulled into the YMCA parking lot, took out the wonderful young adult novel I was reading, and sat in the driver’s seat for two hours to finish the book. Then I drove home.
Some days are just like that. Perfect.
Positive family dynamics are very tenuous in my household right now. I say this as my daughters are happily playing a dot game on paper and little D is eating an after school snack. After I had to discipline him for missing the bus. After he lied about being asleep in class, then fessing up that he just chose not to get on the bus, again. That’s just one little drop in the bucket.
January was rough. We had to call for backup. I’m not ashamed to have to ask for help. Two weeks ago I kind of felt like I needed to change everything about the way I parent one of my children. It felt like she and I had fallen into a deep, dark hole together. I felt like I should have been the one to hold onto a safety net and bring her with me back to the surface. But I didn’t. I went right down with her. And there we lay, angry, confused, hurt, scared. My mother-in-law was my backup. Thank God for Mickey! I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been that mad in my life. It’s kind of scary to think that my children can push me over that edge; that even though I resolve never to let that happen, it could, because it happened once.
So, here we are after school on a Monday. Everyone is in pretty good spirits. We have a checklist of chores on the refrigerator that needs to be completed tonight. Kids need to read 20 minutes. One needs to complete a homework packet. They all need showers and lunches packed. The dogs should be walked. But, I’m not gonna rock the boat. Those things can wait . . . until Zach gets home 🙂
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This month we will celebrate two Gotcha Days with our kiddos. On January 13th, 2010 we were blessed to add Monica and Kelly to our family and on January 31st, 2013 we welcomed Diego to the family. Here are two pictures we took in front of the doors of our church. The first picture we took in January 2014 and the second picture we took in February 2013.
Love them.
We like to dance. We like to spin. We like to jam. And play music loud. And sing “This is Not the End.”
And then go to bed….
When we started the adoption process in January of 2008, we thought we were looking at a 2-3 year wait for two children ages 0-4 (which is the wait list we were added to in Colombia.)
We submitted our paperwork in September 2008. When you look at the wait list that Colombia publishes every so often, you can see what kind of movement is happening in your age group. Here is the most recently published wait list from February 2013. Notice that our age group, siblings 0-4, is currently processing families from May 2008. We would still be waiting.
Every day I feel blessed to have the three children that we do, in the way that God had planned. I don’t question God’s timing. But I do wonder if we would have stuck it out this long. It’s been more than five years since we started the process.
Please pray for those still waiting. It’s really hard to wait when you want children so much. When we were in Colombia the second time, we met a French couple who adopted three children ages 4-9. They waited for eight years!
Last night the families split up to watch the very excellent documentary called “Stuck”. I highly recommend it, and will be bugging families and friends to watch it.
The thesis behind the documentary is that the Hague Adoption Convention is not working. The convention was ratified in the United States with the understanding that:
In fact, according to UNICEF, there has been no reduction in corruption. International adoptions in the United States has decreased by 60% in the past 6 years.
This decrease is not because there are fewer orphans.
It’s not because there are fewer families willing and wanting to adopt internationally.
It’s because there are hoops. Lots and lots of hoops. And while would be parents jump through those hoops, kids age out of the system.
While not really part of the thesis to the film, a key point missing is how difficult international adoption is after adopting the child. One might walk away from the documentary thinking adoption is wine and roses. It’s not. It can be very hard. And I always get nervous around naive would-be adoptive parents.
That said, there are tools and resources that help parents. And there are many wonderful parents who would do wonders with domestic and internationally adopted children.
Look, this is a complicated issue. Corruption is bad. Orphanages are a lesser bad (as compared to starving and living on the streets). The rights of birth parents need to be respected. International politics are convoluted (see Russia: Adoption). The Hague Convention had good intentions but unintended consequences.
But if I were King of the World, I’d put a time frame in place (say a year) then declare adoptability – international or otherwise. Children should not grow up in institutions if they do not have to. A clock is ticking.
Watch the film. It’s good. It can be viewed and purchased here: https://bothendsburning.org/initiatives/stuck/
Diego’s citizenship paperwork arrived the other day. He now has some proof that he’s a proud American! Next stop, the Social Security office.
The Vander Veen family is good about sitting down for dinner together. It may be late, it may be slightly cold, it may on many nights be pizza or soup and sandwiches. But we make it a point and, quite frankly, the nights it doesn’t happen make the entire evening seem off.
Prior to adopting Diego, cups had the correct tendency of staying anchored to the table. Did we have the occasional spill? Sure, but rarely. A more likely scenario would be Kelly trying to feed the dogs vegetables (which, while annoying, is at least clean).
As a family of 5, something happened. Milk is spilled on a semi-daily basis. Water flies off the table onto the floor. Wine spills have been avoided, but only because Renee and I guard our glasses with napkin holders and salt and pepper shakers.
And it’s not just Diego. It’s like suddenly the girls forgot how to hold cups or place them on a flat surface!
It’s not the table. I’ve checked. The legs are still even. Our setup is different, with having to place a child at the end of the table (no parent at the head of the table, we opted for “divide and separate” vs “authority at the head”).
Some days after learning that we were to adopt Diego I had lunch with my former superintendent. When he heard our good news he gave me a hearty congratulations and then a warning (he spoke from experience, having 3 daughters).
“Just be ready. The universe was built for evens, not odds.”
He then listed countless examples of situations that favored evens over odds. He did not mention spilled milk, but it seems a fairly plausible explanation as any.
In the meantime, we’re pragmatic and practical. Ren bought coffee cups with lids.
Adult sippy cups.
Monica and Kelly spent, as far as we can tell, their entire life together. They lived in the same foster families and, with just about every single major life event, always had the other near. Not that I’ve always recognized this fact, but that permanence acts as a foundation to their relationship (and extends to our relationships with them). They know each other well. The quirks, the behaviors, the buttons to push (and not push) at given times. And they do love each other in typical sisterly fashion.
Now along comes a brother.
A brother who is close in age, full of energy, ready to play and fight, and who comes with his own distinct adoption baggage (different from their own). Plus (because it’s simple math), he divides mom and papi’s attention.
It’s been interesting.
We expected this. I remember talking with Chris and Mary on how Nicolas and Diana had to go through a stage of bonding because they never knew each other well (having not been in the same foster families). Biological families go through similar experiences as the number of siblings increase. It’s normal.
But still interesting. Monica tends to stay above the fray. She handles the changes in, frankly, a pretty mature and self-reflective manner (I can’t tell you how flippin proud I am of how that girl is turning into an awesome young woman). We’ve had some honest breakdowns. Yesterday she told me she wished she didn’t have a brother anymore (again, normal). We’ve had to curb some mothering behaviors. Overall, nothing major.
Kelly and Diego are a different story. One minute they’re best friends, hooting and yelling and running and laughing. The next minute they’re tattling and fighting and playing war games on each other. Part of this is that they’re so very close in age. Kelly, I would say, is having the hardest time adjusting to the new family hierarchy She’s no longer the youngest. She’s also our daughter who responds best to predictable patterns, fewer surprises, and clear expectations. Right now we’re in a period of mild chaos. And that’s just how it’s going to be for a while as things settle.
Diego is adjusting and struggling in two areas. The first is communication. For the next few months he’s in the nether world of loosing the ability to communicate (as he forgets his Spanish) all the while trying to make sense of the new (English) words coming at him all the time. This is frustrating (think how frustrating it would be to us!) and you can see that frustration roll across his face sometimes. The second area of struggle is that he’s learning family rules. And the odd thing about some of these rules is that they were very much tailored to Monica and Kelly (and their issues) – so sometimes the rules seem strange (although some are arguably basic: don’t hit, bite, lie, etc.).
In short, we’re in an adjustment period. Overall I’d say we’re not facing anything unexpected (or drastic), but I do find value in recognizing that this is what is happening.
Big, big house.
We had to get a truckfull of compost for the garden. The driver let Diego help. Awesome.
