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I am reading a wonderful book called Adopting after Infertility by Patricia Irwin Johnston. One section I read today was called The Psychological Pregnancy. I’ve mentioned before that I feel like I’m “pregnant.” In the adoption world we call this “paper pregnant” which means our paperwork is complete, approved and we are officially on the list to have our children. Johnston says that the psychological waiting time is similar to a woman who is physically pregnant and she describes the following stages:

“Adoption validation – accepting the fact that our children will join the family by adoption rather than birth

Child embodiment – incorporating the children by adoption into our emotional images

Child distinction – beginning to percieve of the children as a reality in order to make plans for them

Role transition – preparing to take on the parenting in adoption role”

(side note: someone close to me has often asked why we don’t continue to try and get pregnant while we are in this adoption process and Johnston follows the psychological pregnancy section with this comment, “It is impossible to experience a psychological pregnancy related to a particular adoption when one still has enormous amounts of time, energy, emotional reserves, and money committed to becoming pregnant biologically.” I agree with her. Plus, if we got pregnant, which we don’t want to do, our adoption would be put on hold if not canceled all together and then I would feel like I just had 2 miscarriages. Now why would I choose to do that?)

So, I was wondering from other adoptive parents how you prepared for your child/ren to come home during this “paper pregnant” stage when you had no knowledge of timeline, age, or gender to guide you.

Jenny, I’m taking a quote from your comment to say that just this week we were surprised with a shorter wait!!! So many friends and family keep saying to us, “it could be shorter, you never know.” And you’re all right.

At the beginning of December we were told that ICBF was working on dossiers from September ’05 for two children ages 0-4 (our dossier is from September ’08). Just this week Wednesday we were told that ICBF is now working on dossiers from March ’07! That’s a huge difference.

I’m not sure how that all translates into wait time, but I know it’s a whole lot shorter than we anticipated just a few weeks ago. Please celebrate the good news with us by sending praise upwards and continue to pray for the children we will meet “next year?”

My sister-in-law announced at Christmas that she and her husband are expecting a baby on July 4th. That was wonderful news and I even had a hunch that they would be pregnant when they came because I had 2 dreams the night before they arrived where Anna walked off the plane carrying a baby. Cool huh? They will be great parents!

For me, the news brought a wave of emotions that seemed to hit me out of nowhere. It felt like a tsunami and I was grasping for anything to gain control of myself. It took me a few days to sort through my emotions and really get an understanding of what I was feeling. I think I now have a good grasp on why the news hit me so hard.

The fact that someone is pregnant is not what brings on my sadness. I feel like I am pregnant and I feel like I’ve been that way for 4 months now. It doesn’t show on the outside but my heart gets bigger everyday as I think about the two children that I will get to hold in my arms. I guess in a way it is something akin to experiencing the joys and pains of actual pregnancy. It is a blessing that Zach and I are able to have a family this way, but it’s hard to wait so long.

I believe the real reason this news hit me so hard is because I see how different the reactions are when someone announces they are pregnant as opposed to when we announced we were adopting, especially since we can’t have biological children.  From my experience, when someone announces they are pregnant for the first time, people get soooo excited. They want to start doing things like run to the book store and buy books about “What to expect when you’re expecting,” shop for diapers and baby clothes right away, help you think of names, ask about how you’re going to decorate the nursery, give you a keepsake of a mother and child, etc.

When we announced we were adopting the reactions were so much different. “Why? Why adopt? Why not do In Vitro? Why international adoption? Why Colombia? Why two children? Why not a baby?” and then the questions we can’t answer on how long is the wait from now? . . . from now?  . . . and now? All questions which I now crave, but at first were hard to answer.

Last week when I was working through all of this I felt very selfish for having any of these feelings. I wanted to just be happy for Anna and Kurt and not feel sad at all. I seek the Lord in these times because I think he still has a lot of work to complete in me. To see life through his eyes, speak as he would speak, walk in his footsteps.

I recognize that adoption is a unique experience, so unique that people often don’t know how to react, including me. I’m still working through that with God’s help. I hope you understand.

We just found out last week from our adoption agency that we have a longer wait for a referral than we first anticipated. When we started the process one year ago, we thought that we would have our children within 2-3 years. We are now looking at a wait of approximately 3 years or more from today. What we were told is that Colombia is currenly processing dossiers from September of 2005 and our dossier was approved in September of 2008. While we were a little surprised, we trust that God’s plan is at work in us and in our children.
I am reminded of II Peter 3:8 which says, “But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.” I know that this verse refers directly to God working his salvation in us and I have pulled it out of context. But I’ve been thinking a lot about what it would feel like to be God in that situation. I think that his patience in us must be very frustrating at times as he waits for us to get it. And yet, when we finally do get it he is so joyful that all the waiting was worth it.
I expect that this is how I will feel over the next 3 or so years. Right now I am completely at peace with the wait because I know with confidence that our patience will bring our family together. We will have children from Colombia. However, I think that there will be times when sadness will hit me out of nowhere, the wait will overwhelm me, patience will seem like an itch I can’t reach. But, when the phone call finally comes, when we get a referral for two of God’s children, the wait that seemed like a thousand years will be replaced by one day of joy. And that one day of joy will feel like a thousand years of joy with more to come.