how i feel

My sister-in-law announced at Christmas that she and her husband are expecting a baby on July 4th. That was wonderful news and I even had a hunch that they would be pregnant when they came because I had 2 dreams the night before they arrived where Anna walked off the plane carrying a baby. Cool huh? They will be great parents!

For me, the news brought a wave of emotions that seemed to hit me out of nowhere. It felt like a tsunami and I was grasping for anything to gain control of myself. It took me a few days to sort through my emotions and really get an understanding of what I was feeling. I think I now have a good grasp on why the news hit me so hard.

The fact that someone is pregnant is not what brings on my sadness. I feel like I am pregnant and I feel like I’ve been that way for 4 months now. It doesn’t show on the outside but my heart gets bigger everyday as I think about the two children that I will get to hold in my arms. I guess in a way it is something akin to experiencing the joys and pains of actual pregnancy. It is a blessing that Zach and I are able to have a family this way, but it’s hard to wait so long.

I believe the real reason this news hit me so hard is because I see how different the reactions are when someone announces they are pregnant as opposed to when we announced we were adopting, especially since we can’t have biological children.  From my experience, when someone announces they are pregnant for the first time, people get soooo excited. They want to start doing things like run to the book store and buy books about “What to expect when you’re expecting,” shop for diapers and baby clothes right away, help you think of names, ask about how you’re going to decorate the nursery, give you a keepsake of a mother and child, etc.

When we announced we were adopting the reactions were so much different. “Why? Why adopt? Why not do In Vitro? Why international adoption? Why Colombia? Why two children? Why not a baby?” and then the questions we can’t answer on how long is the wait from now? . . . from now?  . . . and now? All questions which I now crave, but at first were hard to answer.

Last week when I was working through all of this I felt very selfish for having any of these feelings. I wanted to just be happy for Anna and Kurt and not feel sad at all. I seek the Lord in these times because I think he still has a lot of work to complete in me. To see life through his eyes, speak as he would speak, walk in his footsteps.

I recognize that adoption is a unique experience, so unique that people often don’t know how to react, including me. I’m still working through that with God’s help. I hope you understand.


the peaceful place

I’m looking for the peaceful place, where heartache isn’t allowed. Where I can breathe clearly, run laughing, and see each moment for the gift it is from God. I know someone who can do that, who has found that place. She lives next to my brother and sister-in-law. She grabs onto each glimmer of hope in every single person and makes it shine. You can’t help but smile around her. There is no room for grief without hope. She sees potential in everything. Her name is Love.


a day is like a thousand years, a thousand years a day

We just found out last week from our adoption agency that we have a longer wait for a referral than we first anticipated. When we started the process one year ago, we thought that we would have our children within 2-3 years. We are now looking at a wait of approximately 3 years or more from today. What we were told is that Colombia is currenly processing dossiers from September of 2005 and our dossier was approved in September of 2008. While we were a little surprised, we trust that God’s plan is at work in us and in our children.
I am reminded of II Peter 3:8 which says, “But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day.” I know that this verse refers directly to God working his salvation in us and I have pulled it out of context. But I’ve been thinking a lot about what it would feel like to be God in that situation. I think that his patience in us must be very frustrating at times as he waits for us to get it. And yet, when we finally do get it he is so joyful that all the waiting was worth it.
I expect that this is how I will feel over the next 3 or so years. Right now I am completely at peace with the wait because I know with confidence that our patience will bring our family together. We will have children from Colombia. However, I think that there will be times when sadness will hit me out of nowhere, the wait will overwhelm me, patience will seem like an itch I can’t reach. But, when the phone call finally comes, when we get a referral for two of God’s children, the wait that seemed like a thousand years will be replaced by one day of joy. And that one day of joy will feel like a thousand years of joy with more to come.



I’m thankful for a God and Savior who died for me that I might live. I’m thankful for a husband who loves this marriage as much as he loves me. I’m thankful for a best friend who reminds me to give Christmas presents that can change the world. I’m thankful for a family that has always and will always “put up” with me. I’m thankful for a coworker who is outgoing and encouraging and forgiving. I’m thankful for a warm house in winter. I’m thankful for the path of adoption. I’m thankful for a small group that is committed to growing as disciples in Christ. I’m thankful for ice cream, especially Graeters. I’m thankful for the rolling hills of Cincinnati. I’m thankful for this laptop and my heating pad. I’m thankful for a puppy that curls up in my lap. I’m thankful that each day I wake up.