I have a confession to make. I was supposed to run 10 miles on Saturday. I had a dentist appointment at 11:00. I wore my running clothes and planned to go to the Y after the dentist and run on the treadmill because of all the ice and snow. I pulled into the YMCA parking lot, took out the wonderful young adult novel I was reading, and sat in the driver’s seat for two hours to finish the book. Then I drove home.
Some days are just like that. Perfect.
Positive family dynamics are very tenuous in my household right now. I say this as my daughters are happily playing a dot game on paper and little D is eating an after school snack. After I had to discipline him for missing the bus. After he lied about being asleep in class, then fessing up that he just chose not to get on the bus, again. That’s just one little drop in the bucket.
January was rough. We had to call for backup. I’m not ashamed to have to ask for help. Two weeks ago I kind of felt like I needed to change everything about the way I parent one of my children. It felt like she and I had fallen into a deep, dark hole together. I felt like I should have been the one to hold onto a safety net and bring her with me back to the surface. But I didn’t. I went right down with her. And there we lay, angry, confused, hurt, scared. My mother-in-law was my backup. Thank God for Mickey! I honestly don’t think I’ve ever been that mad in my life. It’s kind of scary to think that my children can push me over that edge; that even though I resolve never to let that happen, it could, because it happened once.
So, here we are after school on a Monday. Everyone is in pretty good spirits. We have a checklist of chores on the refrigerator that needs to be completed tonight. Kids need to read 20 minutes. One needs to complete a homework packet. They all need showers and lunches packed. The dogs should be walked. But, I’m not gonna rock the boat. Those things can wait . . . until Zach gets home 🙂
This month we will celebrate two Gotcha Days with our kiddos. On January 13th, 2010 we were blessed to add Monica and Kelly to our family and on January 31st, 2013 we welcomed Diego to the family. Here are two pictures we took in front of the doors of our church. The first picture we took in January 2014 and the second picture we took in February 2013.
When we started the adoption process in January of 2008, we thought we were looking at a 2-3 year wait for two children ages 0-4 (which is the wait list we were added to in Colombia.)
We submitted our paperwork in September 2008. When you look at the wait list that Colombia publishes every so often, you can see what kind of movement is happening in your age group. Here is the most recently published wait list from February 2013. Notice that our age group, siblings 0-4, is currently processing families from May 2008. We would still be waiting.
Every day I feel blessed to have the three children that we do, in the way that God had planned. I don’t question God’s timing. But I do wonder if we would have stuck it out this long. It’s been more than five years since we started the process.
Please pray for those still waiting. It’s really hard to wait when you want children so much. When we were in Colombia the second time, we met a French couple who adopted three children ages 4-9. They waited for eight years!
Warning, this is an embarrassing post. If any of my colleagues are reading this, please don’t hold this against me. If any of Zach’s colleagues are reading this, please remember that we are only related by marriage. And Monica, if you read this someday, I hope you don’t forget how profusely I apologized to you afterwards, or the wonderful and inspiring story I told you about my 8th grade algebra class, but I do hope you forget how I taught you to borrow numbers when subtracting. You are right. I was wrong. And good luck on your test tomorrow. I hope you rock it!
. . . I asked Monica to pick two easy pages of her homework packet to complete while I put Kelly to bed. When I came downstairs to check on her, she was happily coloring an elephant and told me she had finished the page with the clocks and a page of subtraction. As I checked her math work, I noticed that she had done four problems incorrectly and asked her to erase them and try again.
She buried her head in her hands and shook her head. “Mommy, I have a test tomorrow!”
I said, “It’s ok. You’ll do fine. You have the right concept. You’re just using the wrong numbers. Math is very specific and you have to have the exact right number. I’ll help you.”
I walked her through the steps of borrowing and said she had to remember to go back one number before adding a 1 in the ones place. She sighed and redid all four problems my way. Then I said, “Do you want to try three more problems on the back for extra practice before your test tomorrow? I’ll give you a piece of chocolate.”
Of course, she wanted SIX more practice problems. She is a hard worker. As she was working on the last problem, I was mentally adding the numbers to check her work because something just didn’t seem right.
“Wait a minute honey. This isn’t right. These answers don’t add up. Wait a minute. I need to figure this out.”
That’s right. Mommy taught her wrong. She had done it correctly the first time, without my help.
We had a good laugh over our chocolate. Hopefully, lesson unlearned.
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A dear friend in Kenya just emailed me a bazillion questions and my brother called from Denver yesterday. Must be time to blog and answer some of the questions about how things are going our first week home.
We came home one week ago last night. When we arrived at the airport near midnight, our whole family was waiting for us. Monica and Kelly, my parents, Zach’s mom, Jeff, Kristen and their kids, Kristen’s sister and dad. It was awesome. Zach and I knew what was waiting for us and I couldn’t wait to see everyone. The first people I saw down the hall through the windows were Victor and Jesus. They were on lookout for us. As soon as we stepped off the underground transport, they yelled, “THEY’RE HERE!!!” I saw the girls giggling and bouncing in anticipation and I got tears in my eyes. What a joy it was to hug them! Everyone kind of stood around us, looking at Diego, not sure what to do. Kelly and Monica gave him hugs and then everyone else joined in, speaking all manner of Spanish, English and Spanglish. They had balloons and posters and chocolate! Diego was delighted to see everyone in person. What a trooper he was. After a 16 hour day of traveling, he was still smiling and calm.
The weekend was busy as we unpacked, shopped for tennis shoes that fit Diego, and had Sunday dinner at my parent’s house. The girls had a rough go jumping back into the swing of things with Mommy and Poppy. The three kids hit it off well, but Monica and Kelly definitely had to work out some of their own personal issues with each other. All in all, it was a rocky weekend for them. The good news is that only lasted for 2 days. We have had a wonderful week with no problems. Zach went back to work on Monday, the girls went to school, and I stayed home with Diego. I’ve taken the rest of the school year off so I can help all the kids with the transition, especially Diego. We had expected the girls to have a rough time for a long time but we keep praying and working with them so hopefully life will continue smoothly as it has this week.
Next week we will take Diego to the IAC at Children’s to check on his health and development. Then, on March 11 he will start Kindergarten. He’s been riding with us everyday to drop off and pick up the girls from school. I asked him if he was excited about starting school and he said no. However, the teacher he will have speaks Spanish and her name in Spanish is Senora Dulce, Mrs. Candy. He wasn’t excited about meeting her, but on Thursday after school we stopped into the office to say hi to her. She got down on her knees, introduced herself, asked Diego how old he was. He just smiled and held up 6 fingers. Then, she asked him what his favorite animal is. He didn’t answer. So she said, “Mi animal favorito es un gallotito.” (My favorite animal is a rooster). He thought that was hilarious. Then we toured her room and she showed him where the Spanish books are, the stuffed animals for reading, and how to sit on a carpet square. He was very obedient and seemed totally taken with her. All night long and the next morning he didn’t stop talking about his teacher Senora Dulce whose favorite animal is a rooster. He is excited about school now.
I am having fun with this houseful of children. I’m not exhausted, and it feels so natural to have these three kids sitting around the dinner table everyday. Zach and I are so blessed and amazed at how our family has come together. We think it’s beautiful and right. Thank you to everyone for all your prayers for our adjustment as a family of five. We know that the power of prayer is great and we believe that this is God’s perfect design for our family. We are prepared for the ups and downs of parenting these children, but right now, I am so very thankful that this week has been easy!
A few other quick and cute things. Diego used to say WOW to everything new. Now he says, “OH my GOODness” to all things new. Like the cold weather, the snow, slippers, hot showers, the dogs, Lena licking his face, the food we eat, Jungle Jims, long car rides, snow boots, a bicycle in a box, gymnastics meets, Abuela coming to visit, the shades on his bedroom windows, a winter jacket. And to many things he will point and say what we’ve been saying many times a day, “No touch.” To the locks on doors, the thermostat, the buttons on the dishwasher, sharp objects, the computer, the faucet in the bathtub, mommy’s make-up, the lights inside the van. He’s learning. He’s a good kid and he’s stinkin’ cute! Glad to have him home.
I’ll post a family picture tomorrow.
Today we are going to visit El Desierto de la Tatacoa, also known as the Valley of Sadnesses. What a beautiful way to describe a desert. We will go in the evening because it is known for being the best place on earth to observe celestial bodies. Read more.
Non sequitur
How do you like my “Popo Play-Doh” earrings, designed exclusively by DFV?
There really, truly isn’t that much to blog about. The days are very slow. Diego is very easy to parent. There’s nothing to do in Neiva. I know my brother keeps bugging us to post more, but we don’t have a whole lot to say. However, I’ll try to pull out some interesting happenings from the last few days and post some pictures.
5 days ago, while we were snacking at a Panderia, a very dirty man, with one arm and a kind smile, put 2 bracelets on the table. I said, “No gracias.” He insisted. I said no thank you again. He insisted again. Then he walked away. This is how it works. It gives you time to see if you want to, or have enough money to buy a trinket. When he came back, we politely asked how much they were. We only had enough change for one of them. It was 50 cents. I said, “Gracias” and he said, in wonderful English, “You’re welcome.”
About 4 days ago there was a bombing in Neiva at a military check point. Two civilians on a motorcycle were injured, one of them a 3 year old girl. The bombing was suspected to be organized by the FARC although I don’t think that has officially been determined.
3 days ago there was an earthquake in the morning. Zach and I were sitting on the couch drinking coffee and reading when the apartment started to roll. If you’ve never been in an earthquake, it feels like you are sitting or standing on jello. Everything was rolling like a wave and all the hanging lights were swinging back and forth. It turns out that it was a 7.0 magnitude earthquake about 5 hours south of Neiva, 77 miles below the surface. It lasted 30 seconds.
2 nights ago I got food poisoning. I’m pretty sure it was from the chicken I ate for lunch at a really cute “fast food” restaurant on the main strip. It was delicious. Then it wasn’t. I’ve never been that sick in my life. I am very thankful that it lasted less than 24 hours.
While we were on our walk to the fast food chicken joint, waiting on a corner, I noticed a family zooming by on their motorcycle. My first thought was, “Geesh, that woman is really not wearing much on top.” My second thought was, “Wow, she is actually breast feeding her baby at 25 miles per hour while her husband drives around the corner.”
You see a lot of that in Neiva. Women in 4 inch bright blue heels flying by on their motorcycle, a toddler perched on the handle bars holding their lunch box. Texting while motorcycling? It’s ok here. Packing mom, dad and baby onto one bike? No problem.
Sorany was telling us this week that theft has been a real problem here because of the motorcycles. All the women wear their purses slung over their necks. I take my cues from them. Apparently, it is common that two people on a motorcycle will drive on the sidewalk (everyone drives their motorcycles on the sidewalk so you have to be all ears) and snatch a bag as they pass you by. As a result, the mayor has tried to pass a new regulation that in the main downtown area, only one person can be on a bike. Needless to say, this has caused a lot of protests because bikes are how families get around.
I love Colombian fresh bread pastries. They are like huge rolls, with sugar on top, and warm cheese and fruit inside. I could live off them. In fact, I think that’s what I’m going to do. Having food poisoning has strengthened my resolve to become a vegetarian. Although Colombians really don’t eat veggies. But they eat a lot of fresh fruit, bread, and cheese and that’s yummy.
I also love the graffiti and art that I see on the side of many buildings. There are some pics below. The one with Diego standing next to it is actually a map of Huila, the department (state) that Neiva is in. It is filled with words that describe the beauty of Huila.
Today it’s storming.
I’ve gotten used to cold showers and the teeny tiny ants in the apartment. They are like my pets.
I miss my dogs. And my daughters.
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We got into court 5 which is good because it’s a fast court. However, we are told that the rules are different from the last time we were here, so now the Judge will require an interview with the child. He/she will ask Diego if he is happy with us and if he wants to be adopted. Our lawyer doesn’t know when this interview will happen but it could be sometime next week.
So, we stay in beautiful, sweltering Neiva and get more creative about how to kill time . . .
As I fell asleep last night, I wondered again what it would be like to be adopted. What would I be thinking, feeling, wondering if I were them? I’ve been through this twice now, with three different children, and they were each unique in their response to being adopted.
I remember Kelly, the first of our children whom we met. She came into the office with a red bon bon bum in her mouth, a giggle bubbling just below the surface, and an expectant smile on her face. Her eyes were alight as I said, “Hola Kelly. Soy tu mama.” She gave me a big hug and sat on my lap to show me the pictures her foster mom carefully displayed in a scrapbook for all of us.
I remember Monica, whom we met a few minutes later. At first, we only heard her cries from the hallway. Then, she very shyly stood in the doorway, her chin pointed down and her big eyes carefully peeking at us. She was very clearly scared and did not want to be present at that moment. She did not want this to happen to her, whatever it was. I got down on my knees and said hello. I told her I loved her and that I was her mommy. She started crying again and the social worker took back into the hallway.
I remember Diego, just days ago, stepping out of the car, waiting patiently for las doctoras to tell him where to go, what to do. He walked up the steps, not quite sure of himself but going through the motions he had been so well prepared for. Give mama a rose. Give papa a sucker. Give us each a big hug. Then wait for the next instruction. He was not shy, not energetic, just content.
What is it like to be adopted? Adults who have popped in and out of your life in brief moments to check on you, now tell you to go live with two strangers and call them mama and papa. Go live in a hotel with them. Walk around each day looking for a new place to eat lunch. Wear the clothes they brought for you, which are not like the ones from your foster family. Let them help you dress, shower, brush your teeth, hold their hand, sit on their lap, and hear them say they love you. These strangers who you do not know. Do not trust. Do not understand.
Monica and Kelly are amazing. They have both been able to harness their feelings and experiences and start a new life, with a new family, in a new country. They are strong. They are happy. They love us and miss us and care about us. We are a family with them and it feels so right now, three years later. And though I’ve only know Diego for a week, I feel confident that he will fit right into the picture, as he was meant to be. He will rise to the occasion and take his cues from the rest of us, and learn to love us as we will learn to love him.
The process of legally becoming a bigger family begins today. Our Integracion went well. La Doctora was pleased with us as parents, and Diego as our son. She will go back to the office and write up a report of our first week together. Then our lawyer will submit our papers to the courts. While we wait, we’ll help Diego say his new last name, just as we did with the girls, so that in a few days, he can say, “Me llamo Diego Fernando Vander Veen!”
We’re having a fun time with Diego. He’s been pretty easy so far. Still pretty chill. Today we took a long walk to the center, ate a pastry, went to the store, spilled 2 gallons of water on the floor, blew bubbles, and skyped with the family. Here are a few more pictures.
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Diego loves all the letters and pictures you sent. He also likes the toys. As you can see, he had fun decorating his room with all the love you sent, even upside down. Muchas gracias!
Diego has decorated the apartment with the gifts that Monica and Kelly made for him. On his bedroom walls he has taped up the heart shaped cards they made and the picture they colored for him. We also painted some crafts for him that we sent to Colombia and he brought them with him yesterday, so we hung those on the windows in the living room.
He is a very tidy little boy. His foster mom taught him well. He has already organized his room and has a place for the books we brought, the photo albums, his toys, his night light, backpack, and clothes. Everything in it’s proper place. He folded his clothes and put them away last night and this morning. He washed his face and brushed his teeth as soon as he woke up. He is very proud of being able to take care of himself.
Right now he is playing cowboys and Native Americans 😉 in the living room. (sometimes PC just doesn’t work . . .) He is singing, giggling, and shooting I don’t know what, because all the cowboys and Indians are getting along together in the covered wagon, with the TP on top!
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