Spanking: Part 1

To start clear: Renee and I don’t spank our girls.

In fact, the girls know it as one of the cardinal rules in our house. We don’t hit. Therefore we don’t spank.

But it’s interesting that they’ve picked up on the fact that other families do spank. And, in their 6 and 7 year old minds, they get to wondering that if it’s not okay for our family, then why is it okay for other families to spank their children? Everything is black and white to a 1st grader, and it’s always interesting trying to explain to them that other families have different ways of raising their children. I don’t think they buy my explanation.

Probably, because at the end of the day, I happen to think this is a pretty black and white issue.

So here’s my stab at exploring the parenting technique of spanking.

First, some context as to why write about this

My dad always said you can’t tell a person how to raise their kids. For the most part, I agree with this statement. I generally think there’s a spectrum of “decent, acceptable” parenting that adults can fall into…even if they don’t necessarily hit the optimal part on that spectrum for a given child. Outside the spectrum you have crime – pure abuse – that requires society to intervene on behalf  of the child. Inside the spectrum you have suggestions, observations, and, yes, occasionally, gossip and arrogance.

I’m trying to avoid the arrogance with this post. I’m not really looking to wag fingers. Or pick a fight.

But I do think peers have a big influence on parenting styles. And one of my peer groups – evangelical Christians – has a greater tendency to use spanking as a parenting tool. Given time, I believe this will change because enough of us have voiced our deep skepticism and concern with spanking.

Because we are talking about it. Renee and I both have had a lot of conversations with friends and family over the merits or non-merits of spanking. And, when you look at the data in the United States, it looks like it is a conversation that people are having.

Second, some family context

Spanking was a behavioral technique used on both our behinds growing up. While not used often, I vaguelly remember a paddle coming out (usually more as a threat) when I did something wrong. I think my parents went with more of the James Dobson approach that spanking was okay as long as the parent did not do it in anger (at least that was his stance in the 80s…it might be different now).

The point being that in the 70 and 80s, this was a common parenting technique. Lots of people spanked their kids! Heck, schools even spanked children (known as the good old days of discipline by some older teachers).

It’s interesting to note that while spanking may have been common, whooping (as in with a belt or birch switch) had fallen out of style. And that gets to one of my points: the norms of society are continually changing.

As for our girls, here’s an anecdote to put things into perspective.

Last spring Kelly kept having behavior problems at school. A note would come home just about every day. It frustrated Renee and I to no end. One day I finally voiced what I was thinking to Kelly.

“Geez, Kelly, sometimes I just think you need a spanking.”

Kelly immediately quieted and looked at me with big eyes. In all seriousness, she asked me:

“Papi, are you going to hit me with or without the shoe?”

With or without the shoe? That simple response put it all in context. You don’t hit children. You especially don’t hit children who started life witnessing and experiencing way too much violence.

Why Spank?

Some folks might say you spank as a punishment. That is, spanking is a form of retribution. But most people I know who spank use spanking a means to change behavior. Spanking is justified because it stops a child from doing behaviors that are bad for them.

In my second post I’ll explore why this isn’t true. Lots of studies show that spanking (or corporal punishment) might change the immediate behavior – but has very little effect on long term behavior. I’ll explore how spanking really doesn’t hold to sound moral logic (if it’s not okay to slap adults, why is it okay to slap children?).