mantra for new adoptive parents

“I love you when you’re good. I love you when you’re bad. I love you when you’re happy. I love you when you’re sad. I love you when you’re angry. I love you when you’re mad. No matter what you do, I love you!”

We’ve been saying this to the girls for the past few months and it’s turned out to be a  really important thing to do. We usually say it to them when they are crying, frustrated, angry, scared, or throwing the tantrum of the year. It’s been very clear to us that their shame is deeply rooted, especially for Monica. Whenever they do something wrong or bad and get in trouble or disappoint us, it’s as if the world has ended and all happiness is lost. (Actually, Kelly usually just lets things roll off her back which is such a gift for her.) So we reassure them that we love them. Forever. No matter what.

I think it’s finally beginning to settle in. They’re starting to get it. Monica comes to us for hugs now more often than having a tantrum. Kelly has started toting her baby dolls around and repeating the mantra to them. All healthy signs that the girls are beginning to believe that yes, we really do love them, no matter what!

And let’s face it, at the beginning, we needed to hear it too. Because when you’re in the midst of watching your new daughter have a very scary tantrum, saying and hearing the words “I love you no matter what,” remind you that love is  a commitment, not just a feeling.