We read a thousand books on adoption.
Actually, let me be honest. Renee and Kristen read a 1000 books on adoption and then pointed me to the ones that were worthy. Those still seemed to number quite high, but I didn’t pull as much weight in the research department as my wife did.
Some of the books are gold with solid, practical advice¹. As well as a good amount of warning. I feel like we went into this experience with our eyes at least 1/2 open.
But, at this point in the game, bits and pieces blur together a bit. In one book I remember the author talking about regression or reversion. I’m remembering it defined in two slightly different ways.
The first way is when your 4 (or 10) year old child may start acting like they’re 2. They may suddenly go through a “terrible twos” stage. Ditch some of their emotional control. Suddenly need pullups again because they can’t make it through the day without having an accident. Want to be cradled like a baby, fed like a baby, talked to like a baby.
The books generally point out that this is a good thing. Your kids are able to go through those stages in a healthy, safe environment. Often times they speed through it quickly, helping to build the bond with their new parents.
The second way is sort of the “2 steps forward, 1 step back” regression. Things might be going incredibly well, your kids growing and maturing with their new family. And then you hit a period of time where it’s like you’re starting over with the first month.
Kelly is having a regression week.
As adoptive parents, Renee and I know that you have these weeks. Fact of life. Indeed, I suspect parents see this happen just as often with their biological kidos. So I think we’re doing a pretty good job of taking it in stride. We’re communicating well, tag teaming.
But it’s tough. I think, somewhere in Kelly Jo’s mind, she’s freaking out about loosing control. This is a very normal thing for adoptive kids and very understandable. I bet most adoptive parents (especially of older children) spend a majority of their time working with their sons and daughters trying to get them to understand that they can be, well, kids again and let their parents do the heavy lifting.
And, of course, we worry. We wonder what we did to trigger this stage? Is this particular set of parenting tools the right one?
In addition to loss of control, we think that Kelly is mourning. Today in the car she said this:
“Mommy, I’m sad.”
Renee said, “Oh, I’m sorry you’re sad.”
“Because Mariana y Nano….” (Mariana and Nano were, we think, foster siblings.)
Then, in a genuinely confused voice, she asked, “Mommy, why am I sad?”
“Because you lived with them for a long time. And you had to say goodbye. And you loved them. And you miss them.”
“Yeah. That’s why I’m sad.”
We see behaviors and actions. We see emotions run across her face. We see tears and hear wailing. We listen to shrieks and laughter. Yet I’m not sure how much understanding we see. She’s four going on three and trying to make sense of a new life.
This is hard.
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¹ For those interested, in no particular order, we’ve found the following books to be most helpful:
- The Connected Child
- Parenting the Hurt Child
- Adopting the Hurt Child
- Parenting with Love and Logic
- When a Stranger Calls You Mom
6 replies on “regression”
You’re right – it is hard. For them giving up what little control they had over their life is very hard. And it’s very hard as a parent to watch them fear it so much. We know it’s okay for them to let us take over, but they don’t. So simple, but so complicated.
The books you listed are great! They make even more sense when you are in the thick of it and re-read them.
Thanks for the update. It’s always good to know what exactly to pray for. May God’s peace and wisdom direct all of you today.
I’m sad, too. I wish Abuela could “kiss and make it better!” You and Ren are doing a fabulous job and we love you both TOO much! Hug my grandbabies for me!
Wow, this really mimics the 6 mos. post-partum sadness described by the Rotary re-entry Psych!
I remember 6-months later, one very sad boy tearing up in his top-bunk wishing that he could go back just for a day to chat, speak Spanish, visit his brothers, hear them play their guitars, joke with the maids and give them the esteem they deserved, take in the adventures and views,grabbing a cup of coffee and hanging out a bit in the park…he just MISSED these things, and there was NO WAY to retrieve them for him. “Grief Observed”as CSLewis put it.
You’re doing great. This will pass, and then may come back, and pass again ect. ect. We’ve seen it with all our children bio and adopted. We loved a few of those books too!
I know everyone says this and it is hard to believe while you are at this stage in the game, but it does get easier for everyone – with time. We are a little over a year-and-a-half home and things are just starting to feel “normal” – whatever that is.:-)