Because they are young, because they have speech and language delays, because they are afraid, our girls have yet to find their voice and tell us about their past. We get bits and pieces of stories about life before us as Kelly rambles on and on non-stop everyday. But how clearly she, as a 4 years old with delays, actually remembers accurately what has happened to her is up for discussion. However, sometimes they act out in ways that speak louder than anything they could say, and it makes my heart break and my mind race trying to figure out what it means.
Last night, after Monica had been sleeping for 3 hours, I went in to give her a nightly kiss on the forehead before I hit the sack. I do this every night. She never wakes up. But last night, after I kissed her and then Kelly, she sat up in bed and crossed her legs. I went over to ask her if she needed to go to the bathroom, which is normal for her. What she did was completely unexpected. She got out of bed and hurried over to the dark corner of the room and hid behind the recliner. I was so confused. I went to her and said, “It’s ok, it’s mami. Come here.” She quickly came over with her arms up and I picked her up and rocked her for 20 minutes. Her heart was racing. Neither of us said a word. I have no idea what was going through her mind, but here’s what was going through mine.
Have you done this before? Have you silently been frightened in the night and found a dark corner in which to hide? You’re so quiet. You’re a silent crier. You don’t want to draw attention to your fears at night. Is this what was going through your mind last night? What were you afraid of? And how can I comfort you? How can I help you find your voice?
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