Because they are young, because they have speech and language delays, because they are afraid, our girls have yet to find their voice and tell us about their past. We get bits and pieces of stories about life before us as Kelly rambles on and on non-stop everyday. But how clearly she, as a 4 years old with delays, actually remembers accurately what has happened to her is up for discussion. However, sometimes they act out in ways that speak louder than anything they could say, and it makes my heart break and my mind race trying to figure out what it means.
Last night, after Monica had been sleeping for 3 hours, I went in to give her a nightly kiss on the forehead before I hit the sack. I do this every night. She never wakes up. But last night, after I kissed her and then Kelly, she sat up in bed and crossed her legs. I went over to ask her if she needed to go to the bathroom, which is normal for her. What she did was completely unexpected. She got out of bed and hurried over to the dark corner of the room and hid behind the recliner. I was so confused. I went to her and said, “It’s ok, it’s mami. Come here.” She quickly came over with her arms up and I picked her up and rocked her for 20 minutes. Her heart was racing. Neither of us said a word. I have no idea what was going through her mind, but here’s what was going through mine.
Have you done this before? Have you silently been frightened in the night and found a dark corner in which to hide? You’re so quiet. You’re a silent crier. You don’t want to draw attention to your fears at night. Is this what was going through your mind last night? What were you afraid of? And how can I comfort you? How can I help you find your voice?
6 replies on “when they have no voice”
Renee: I’m crying inside and outside. I’m also trusting that with God’s help and Zach’s and your love for both of them (ours, too), they will find their voices and they will heal. I love you all SO much!
We adopted Maria at age 4 also. She also did not talk at all about her past experiences. Then one day, after she had been home about 7 months, she went in her room and put on a dress she had worn in the orphanage, came and told me many things about her experience, then took the dress off. She never put the dress on again or talked about her past again.
They are precious in his sight. When we are weak HE is strong. Keep leaning. I can only imagine the tears you cried and the prayers you prayed as you held her – rocking and loving her.
Give it to God and give it time! I found that an absolute necessity with our children and those we open our home to.. It will come Ren.
Thank you so much for sharing this so openly. So often parents try to sugar coat their lives. There is nothing sugary about the lives of children that have been taken away from their birth home. My son, adopted at 2, never really talked about his past. Then, one day, at about three he said. “Do I have to go back? I like it here and I want that other place.” I told him it was okay to forget and to move on and to be happy. He never “grieved” as some children do. He miraculously said to me, “Mama” from the moment he saw me in the ICBF office — a tender mercy of the Lord. Children do heal — there will always be scars, but they heal.
I just tried to read this out loud to Derek, who is in the other couch, and I couldn’t make it through. I am so, so thankful that these girls have you two to show them what real, consistent, reliable love looks like; what God’s love looks like. Your patience and the depth of your love are incredible! Thank you so much for your honesty and for taking the time to share.