arden lane

clean up crew and the hansen adoption

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Zach

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I’ve followed the news stories about Torie Hansen’s international adoption with good parts sadness and some parts horror. Not, necessarily, horror over a family unable to continue to try and bond with a troubled child. But horror with how the family dealt with their difficulties. Sending a boy back to his native country, alone, with a note saying “I no longer wish to parent this child” is, to say the least, not the route to go.

But I have little sympathy to the commentary that pretends that removing a child from a home should never be an option.

Now let me be clear, our experience with Monica and Kelly doesn’t fall anywhere near the end of the spectrum of worst case scenarios. It is, in fact, why I feel ridiculously blessed. We and our daughters are doing pretty awesome considering how bad things can sometimes go. They very clearly love us in healthy ways (and we them).

But that’s not say international adoption is a cake walk. It’s not.

KJ Dell’Antonia has a poignant piece in Slate this week in which she talks about some painful truths about adoption. It’s a thoughtful read (and interesting to read the commentary below). The line that’s stuck with me the last few days is this:

With some crazed exceptions, few adoptive parents go through this process intending to do harm. The problem is that harm has already been done. Even the best adoptive parent is just the clean-up crew.

I hadn’t thought of myself as the clean-up crew. More like the 2nd (and 3rd, and 4th, and 77th) chance. But some days you’re picking up a lot of pieces.

Comments

3 responses to “clean up crew and the hansen adoption”

  1. Barb

    Hardly a clean-up crew? Every task is noble, however being a Nanny to the King’s Kids is what all parents of faith are called do. And parenting ANY child is weightier than we’re often given credit for.
    Artists, like Dale-chihuly, smash pieces of glass works that are ‘damaged’.
    You are called to only tend, nurture, love, provide for and “polish” these young ones to the best of your ability. (Not sweep them aside and scrub the smudges. That job was accomplished 2000 years ago by a clean-up crew of one.)

  2. Laura

    I read that piece today and it is that precise last sentence that struck me. And, I also feel we are not at one end of the spectrum either….yet, we continue to be a family in progress.

  3. Mary

    I read that Slate article too and was so thankful the author was brave enough to write it and have it published. As horrible as this event is, at least it is bringing to light some serious flaws or challenges that need addressing in adoptions.

    Agencies should do more to prepare prospective parents about the realities regarding the extent of trauma and/or potential long-term emotional and behavioral issues the children may have.

    The orphanages or governmental agencies should be more forthcoming with the whole truth about the children’s situation. Too often, the referral information is “sanitized” –and this is for no one’s protection.

    And, PAPs need to get their head out of the clouds and spend some serious time researching why children are placed for adoption (every country has particular issues), as well as consider their own capabilities, patience reserves, and support resources before moving forward. When God said true religion was caring for orphans and widows, it wasn’t a commandment to adopt them all. Caring has many forms, and altruistic reasons for adoption can be the basis for all kinds of problems down the road.

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