arden lane

on being parents

Written by

Renee

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It’s easy doing the mom thing. And it’s easy for Zach to do that dad thing. BUT, it’s NOT easy doing the parenting thing. Being parents (plural) means we have to agree on how to do things together, when we’re together, or at least pretend we do in front of the girls. When I’m home alone being mom, I can do things my way. Likewise with Zach. But when we’re together, we have to do a whole lot more communication before, during, and after our interactions with the girls.

We try to be on the same page. It’s a lot of give and take. I’m sure we both feel like we’re giving or taking more at different times. We keep going back to the books, rehashing what our social workers have said, talking with friends and family. More and more I see the blessing it is to be surrounded by the wisdom and encouragement of others who have already walked this walk, or who are currently doing so. It’s a behind the scenes community effort that is helping us raise these precious, sweet, sugar and spice girls.

The hardest part is figuring out what to do when we disagree. My usual preferred solution is to be as cautious as possible until we educate ourselves more on whatever topic we are “parenting” to. Sometimes that comes off as very pessimistic. Zach seems to be more of the optimist, although he is also cautious. I think we have begun to see that we look at things through different lenses. . . Hmm, What to do?

I’m curious to know how other couples work out parenting disagreements. Thanks in advance for any advice.

Comments

4 responses to “on being parents”

  1. Valta;k

    We talk about everything. We role play and discuss “what if” this or that happens. We try and anticipate situations before they happen and talk about how we’d handle them. And if all else fails, we tell them we’ll think about it – and have a secret pow wow to discuss before we make a decision.
    Every parent has the same worries. It’s pretty much always trial and error. LOL

  2. Brandy

    My husband and I are the parents of two children from his previous marriage, our two bio boys, and we’re waiting for our referral for a little girl from Colombia. We came upon many obstacles to parenting, especially in the beginning since my husband was already a parent before I came into the picture. We’ve messed up plenty of times, but we’ve always presented a united front to the kids. If we disagreed with a decision that one of us made concerning the kids, we’ve never argued or made it know to the kids. We talked about it privately after. We’ve been together for 14 years and we’ve become pretty good at reading each other’s cues – most of the time. I think its most important for the kids to see the parents as one unit when it comes to parenting. Good Luck! Its not always easy, but its always incredible.

  3. Gary

    Of course strive for unity, but each of you is gifted in different areas. Recognizing that allows leadership to happen. Case in point I leaned to rely on Mickey’s judgment on when to bring Zach in for his asthma attacks. Monica and Kelly probably wouldn’t have him as a father if his growing up health was up to me.

    However I do think that his level headedness came from me. So trust each other.

  4. Mary

    Renee,
    Do you notice whether there is less respect for “mami” than “papi”? Is there any cultural bias towards which parent has more authority when it comes to discipline and obedience? Of course, all of this is complicated because of the children’s backgrounds.

    I wonder if the children seeing how much mutual respect and admiration there is between you two will carry over into how they respond to either one of you alone and even how they interact with each other.

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