I cried 2 times today but I think Monica beat me by 4. Today was REALLY tough! Starting this morning we could tell she was a little off par. I think Zach and I both expected a difficult day, but I didn’t quite imagine what actually became of it.
Small things can set Monica off. We had read in numerous adoption books that feeding and hydrating every two hours is important, telling your children what’s coming next before it happens is key, keeping to a routine so there are no surprises is hard but necessary, etc. It’s so true. When one or more of the above, not to mention life, throws something else your way, these kids don’t know how to deal with it or process their emotions appropriately. They go into survival mode. They want to control the situation in order to protect themselves. Even though we as parents know they are safe and we have a plan, they might not feel that or know that. They can’t ‘rest assured.’ So that’s what I think happened today.
Today Monica was in survival mode for whatever reason. The really really hard part is trying to teach her to trust us to take care of her in those moments. For her, when she gets upset, it’s the kind of tantrum where she is trying to hurt us first, then herself. It is very scary and very sad and very exhausting and you question every breath you take. Pile a few of those into one day and you wonder if you have any clue how to protect this child.
It’s hard. I feel like I’m not doing it “right.” I think she knows that we love her. She still wants to be held and kissed afterward. She still wants you to play games with her. She still smiles at you later and does silly, cute things. So I continue to analyze and process the day, try to figure out what could have been done differently, try to plan for next time, try to pray, try to take deep breaths and not take it personally. And yes, cry a little.
10 replies on “no sugar coating”
Thank you for this post. We will pray in specific ways for each of you.
Isn’t it great being a parent?! 🙂 There are “easy” days and there are hard days and lots of in-between days. None of us do it “right” nearly as much as we wish we did. Thankfully, we have another chance the next minute, the next hour, and the next day. Just as our heavenly Father keeps giving us another chance your girls are going to give you another chance. Keep doing what you’re doing -reviewing what worked and what didn’t, praying and planning and don’t take it personally. Those of us who have been where you are know how hard it is and we’re praying for you!
She knows you love her, but it’s so easy to go back to survival mode when you get scared. When you’re not sure what’s going on and if this is “for real”. Give them (and yourselves) time.
Karen
I’m catching up on several posts right now. Renee, I can totally empathize with how you’re feeling. I feel that way everyday with my students, and I imagine it’s SO much harder with your own kids. I know you probably feel like a failure in some ways, but as I read everything else, I can’t help but be impressed by how very thoughtful you guys are. E.g. You dinner/bathtime/bedtime routine. As some reassurance, to an outsider you are doing an AMAZING job! I know it doesn’t feel like it, but as my counselor reminded me today it’s about baby steps. She also told me quite firmly to give myself a break and not be so hard on myself. So I pass that on to you as well. With a great big hug.
Keep hanging in there. We’ve been at it (parent adopted siblings) for a couple of months longer than you with our three. I it is not hard to doubt if we are handling things correctly but hopefully we keep seeing improvement!
Renee, it’s o.k. to cry and doubt…all parents do! You and Zach are a great team and you will figure it out. Thanks for the honesty. Like Tom and Trista say, it helps us know how to pray….and pray we do!! We love you all SO much. Give Monica and Kelly a BIG hug from Abuela and Abuelo! And here’s one for you, too…()
Thanks for sharing your honesty, Ren. When I entered this journey, I was actually quite surprised at how many parents are afraid to be honest about the challenges of parenthood. At first I thought I was the only one that struggled sometimes. The truth is that even after two plus years of being parent I still doubt myself (though not as often). I see parts of who I am that are ugly and that I wish were washed cleaned. And as soon as I think I have gotten something “right” my girls move onto a new stage and I’m back at the drawing board again. What has helped me is to find those people with whom I can be honest about the challenges, yet also be encouraged to be a better parent. I also sometimes give myself a timeout! 🙂 Best wishes and much love to all!
May you feel God’s presence as you struggle, grow, and learn to love and trust each other. We’ll keep you in our prayers.
While we may need 2-3 years after a major life event to find some equilibrium, change happens. To you, to the kids in just the past month, their own growth and development, our confidence as parents, (or lack of it, more often)towards each other as they vie for time, attention, and affirmation. God doesn’t change; He is loaning you His very own girls, and He understands. You are reflecting His love each time you wrap them in your arms. We will pray for insight to know just what kind of “fuel they need when their ‘tanks’ are empty.
Renee-
I just got caught up with your blog this week. Jaimie and I completely understand your feelings. Your post is very honest and I appreciate that, it can give us something to specifically pray for when we am praying for your family.
I’m sorry to hear about the rough day. I am sure it is really difficult to feel like you aren’t sure what the right thing to do is. I really appreciate your honesty in this post as I think it helps us know more what to expect when we bring our own children home. I know that we’ll all always have our hard days, but I think as Monica is more and more confident in your love and the security she has in her new family that these hard days will become fewer. We will keep praying for your family!