I cried 2 times today but I think Monica beat me by 4. Today was REALLY tough! Starting this morning we could tell she was a little off par. I think Zach and I both expected a difficult day, but I didn’t quite imagine what actually became of it.
Small things can set Monica off. We had read in numerous adoption books that feeding and hydrating every two hours is important, telling your children what’s coming next before it happens is key, keeping to a routine so there are no surprises is hard but necessary, etc. It’s so true. When one or more of the above, not to mention life, throws something else your way, these kids don’t know how to deal with it or process their emotions appropriately. They go into survival mode. They want to control the situation in order to protect themselves. Even though we as parents know they are safe and we have a plan, they might not feel that or know that. They can’t ‘rest assured.’ So that’s what I think happened today.
Today Monica was in survival mode for whatever reason. The really really hard part is trying to teach her to trust us to take care of her in those moments. For her, when she gets upset, it’s the kind of tantrum where she is trying to hurt us first, then herself. It is very scary and very sad and very exhausting and you question every breath you take. Pile a few of those into one day and you wonder if you have any clue how to protect this child.
It’s hard. I feel like I’m not doing it “right.” I think she knows that we love her. She still wants to be held and kissed afterward. She still wants you to play games with her. She still smiles at you later and does silly, cute things. So I continue to analyze and process the day, try to figure out what could have been done differently, try to plan for next time, try to pray, try to take deep breaths and not take it personally. And yes, cry a little.
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