So I’ve been home two days and have already been asked some personal questions. “What exactly did you feel when you first saw the girls?” “Are they bonding with you or is that a struggle?” “How does it feel to finally be a mom?” “Are you loving every minute?”
Honestly, I kind of feel like I haven’t had time to process many answers to those questions. Plus I hate interviews 😉 But, since I was asked, I thought it would be prudent to take some time and reflect on this experience so far as the Mother of two young girls who I’ve known for less than 3 weeks.
1. The night before and the morning of meeting the girls I was stressed. Up until those points I hadn’t felt much except for happy, calm anticipation. As soon as Kelly busted into our unfinished meeting with the social worker I felt excited and the stress just disappeared. She was so cute, adorable, affectionate, chatty, and all smiles. There was no room in that office for any tears or anxiety. When Monica came in about 5 minutes later she immediately started crying and tried to leave the room. The social worker took her outside to calm her down and I just looked at the 10 other people in the room. They weren’t phased at all and said that it happens all the time, so we just waited and got to know Kelly.
Once Monica came back in I felt very unsure of myself. I didn’t want to do or say anything to upset her again. The social workers had a good idea to go outside to the playground in a more kid friendly territory. Without that distraction I think the office setting would have been a very scary place for Monica to get to know her new mami and papi. We really didn’t know what to do outside to help Monica but it felt like everyone was watching us and we were just supposed to know how to reach out to her. Luckily, I put bubbles in their backpacks thanks to the advice of Nichole and that was a hit with Kelly. As soon as Monica saw Kelly having fun, she wanted her bubbles to. It was in that way that we began the learning process as a family; how to interact with one another.
2. I think both girls have started the bonding process with me. They certainly already have a strong sisterly bond. The first few days they only wanted to hold my hand or cuddle with me. That worried me a bit because we wanted them to bond with both parents. So, we tried to give them more opportunities to spend time close to papi too. In a matter of days Monica became a papi’s girl. Then that worried me again because I didn’t want her to not bond with me anymore. So the pendulum swings and we are still trying to figure it out. Kelly seems to be equally affectionate with both of us. Monica craves more attention from Zach and sometimes turns away from me. So, I have to take advantage of the moments when she is open for anyone’s attention and when she is specifically asking for me. In those respects I think I am learning how to meet her needs and show her that mami loves her unconditionally and always. I don’t hold anything against her and I don’t take it personally when she appears to prefer papi. I just seek opportunities to be there for her as much as possible.
3. It feels normal for me to be a mom to these two girls, to a 4 and 6 year old, to Colombians, to adopted children. However you want to look at it. I haven’t had any Ah Ha moments where I feel like a lighting bolt struck me and changed my life. Maybe it’s because I’ve been preparing for this for 2 years. I don’t know. It just feels right. To me, there’s nothing weird about it.
4. Every minute is a surprise. That’s for sure. Am I loving each one? Heck no. There’s not much to like about tantrums and bumps and bruises. But I love these girls in the sense that I’ve chosen to care for them as a loving parent for the rest of my life. The other kinds of love will grow with time. I like their cute quirky behaviors that I’m still learning about. I love Kelly’s smile and Monica’s eyes. I love showing them affection. I love how Kelly destroys oranges. I love how Monica takes care of her new baby doll con mucho cuidado.
And so, I will continue to care for them as well, con mucho cuidado!
10 replies on “reflections on bonding”
Thanks for processing so openly. I especially love that you’re not sugar-coating anything (i.e. not loving every moment of it). I love how real you guys are on this blog.
I wasn’t able to follow along every day of your trip but I have gone back and read and reread your blog entries. I love the way you all write, very descriptive. The details you include are so very helpful as we try to learn every thing we can before it’s our turn to head for Colombia! Your girls are darling and you two are impressive. The fact that you love Greater’s ice cream just makes you even more special!:)
Keep laughing, crying, loving, and hugging!
So glad you are home and beginning to settle in. The first chapter of your new life as a family has closed and a new chapter begins as you start your journey together in the States. Give yourselves a few weeks, like maternity leave, to ajust. Welcome home and Enjoy EVERY min you have!
So glad to hear you are back home safely. This is when the true bonding begins as it is all on “your” turf that they will soon accept as their own. God bless and best wishes as you work through these first, few months together!
Thank you for sharing such a personal experience. Your stories do a lot to relieve others’ anxieties about the process and adopting a sibling group in particular. Another interview question 🙂 How is the divide and conquer strategy working?
Congratulations again!
The Holy Spirit will meet your needs with various gifts specific to the moment: sometimes Power, sometimes discernment, sometimes tenderness and Grace, sometimes responding to a quick, desperate “Bail me out LORD” cry. Even Joy and inordinate patience. Just what we need, just when we need it. Love& Prayers…
I’ve enjoyed following your journey and I am glad that you are home. Praying for you as you continue to adjust to this new normal as a family of four. I appreciate all your comments and insights. Thanks for sharing.
Bonding is an ongoing process. I still feel I am doing it with my kids – and they are all out of the house! Just do what your heart says Ren and with all the love and support and prayers of family and friends Zach and you will do just fine as parents.
Just remember that these next few months and maybe even a year will have ups and downs but as you said…it is a choice to love your children daily. Feel free to write if you need to talk. We have been there. Relax and enjoy bonding with your new family! And don’t feel that you can’t keep them to yourself for awhile (other people can wait). You two are the most important relationships right now to worry about. Blessings!