Sometimes I feel like this . . .

One moment, I’m the girl who’s different; the one who asks too many questions, the one who is adopting kids -box one. The next day I’m just another teacher, another girl who read “Eat, Pray, Love”, another girl who is adopting kids-boxes two, three, and four. It’s all a matter of perspective. In the moments when I feel like the odd-ball, I always think of  Sesame Street, and that song gets stuck in my head.

I can only imagine how often my children are going to have these thoughts running through their heads. May God help me to validate all the boxes they will fit into, and help me to teach them how to embrace each one.

That is such a beautiful and complicated question. It has no easy answer, although you might think it would be an automatic “YES!” One day last week a gentle soul at church privately asked Zach why we are adopting. He suspected that it was because we are not able to have biological children, which is true, but not at all the simple answer it appears to be. When this man heard the reason, he invited us to attend a healing service at church, in order that we be healed of our barrenness. I’m so grateful for this man’s faith and willingness to offer prayer for us, but . . .

“Dear God, please heal our children. May you always be the constant anchor in their crazy world. May they learn from you that they are loved forever and no matter what. May they know you as the giver of peace in the midst of a world that’s been turned upside down. Heal their hearts, that they may know how to let people love them, especially their mommy and daddy. Heal their spirits, so that they can bond with us and form lasting attachments, even though that means they will have to trust someone again. Heal their minds of any confusion and loss. Heal their bodies of any malnurition or harm. Lord, prepare us for each other. To you be all the glory. Amen.”

“Dios, por favor, sanar a nuestros hijos. Se puede ser el ancla en un mundo loco. Pueden aprender de ustedes que el amor para siempre. Pueden aprender de usted la paz en un mundo que es al reves. Sanar sus corazones, para que su mama y papa pueden amarlos. Curar sus espiritus, para que podamos los bonos con un otro y podemos confiar en un otro. Sanar sus mentes de toda la confusion y la perdida. Sanar sus cuerpos de la malnutricion y los danos. Senor, prepararnos para un otro. A usted que todo la gloria. Amen.”

Yo soy Renee. Yo soy una estudiante de espanol. Yo soy de Ohio y vivo y trabajo en Cincinnati. Yo soy una bibliotecaria. Yo hablo ingles y un piquito espanol. Tengo treinta y uno anos. Mi cumpleanos es quatro de Marzo. Y tu?

Sometimes I come across writing that so accurately describes what I am feeling better than I could ever do. I just finished reading Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother by Jana Wolff (thanks Kristen for passing it on). I’m borrowing Jana’s words from this book to try and explain how I feel about the adoption journey I’m on as a “mother.”

The process of adopting a child pushes your personal envelope as a woman, as a mother, and ultimately, as a human being. It takes more courage than you think you have, offers more self-knowledge than you think you want, and reassembles your characteristics into someone familiar but changed.

arden lane

• about our adoption