“On Children” from The Prophet by Khalil Gibran
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let our bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
I am reading a wonderful book called Adopting after Infertility by Patricia Irwin Johnston. One section I read today was called The Psychological Pregnancy. I’ve mentioned before that I feel like I’m “pregnant.” In the adoption world we call this “paper pregnant” which means our paperwork is complete, approved and we are officially on the list to have our children. Johnston says that the psychological waiting time is similar to a woman who is physically pregnant and she describes the following stages:
“Adoption validation – accepting the fact that our children will join the family by adoption rather than birth
Child embodiment – incorporating the children by adoption into our emotional images
Child distinction – beginning to percieve of the children as a reality in order to make plans for them
Role transition – preparing to take on the parenting in adoption role”
(side note: someone close to me has often asked why we don’t continue to try and get pregnant while we are in this adoption process and Johnston follows the psychological pregnancy section with this comment, “It is impossible to experience a psychological pregnancy related to a particular adoption when one still has enormous amounts of time, energy, emotional reserves, and money committed to becoming pregnant biologically.” I agree with her. Plus, if we got pregnant, which we don’t want to do, our adoption would be put on hold if not canceled all together and then I would feel like I just had 2 miscarriages. Now why would I choose to do that?)
So, I was wondering from other adoptive parents how you prepared for your child/ren to come home during this “paper pregnant” stage when you had no knowledge of timeline, age, or gender to guide you.
I went to Babies R Us this morning to buy a shower gift for a friend. I saw 6 of these parking spaces and wondered “Can I park here?” I didn’t . . . but I wondered.
photo by zcopley
That’s how far I was willing to go to be economical. After work I went straight to the “beauty parlor” and asked for a haircut. I explained what I wanted, just a trim and fix my bangs. The hairdresser took me to the sink to wash my hair. That’s my favorite part. I almost fall asleep it’s so relazing. She turned on the water to wet my hair and it was COLD, freezing COLD. She wet half my head, didn’t wash anything, and took me back to the chair where she proceeded to YANK at my hair with a fine tooth PICK! I thought, surely this can’t continue for long. But it did. Finally I said, “OUCH, that hurts. Do you want me to do it?” She apologized . . . but kept yanking. However, I was in and out within 10 minutes. That’s what $6 will get you.
Next time I’m going to be even more economical and have Zach cut my hair!
I would have sought to teach at the Ron Clark Academy! They ROCK!!! Be sure to watch the inspiring video.
Jenny, I’m taking a quote from your comment to say that just this week we were surprised with a shorter wait!!! So many friends and family keep saying to us, “it could be shorter, you never know.” And you’re all right.
At the beginning of December we were told that ICBF was working on dossiers from September ’05 for two children ages 0-4 (our dossier is from September ’08). Just this week Wednesday we were told that ICBF is now working on dossiers from March ’07! That’s a huge difference.
I’m not sure how that all translates into wait time, but I know it’s a whole lot shorter than we anticipated just a few weeks ago. Please celebrate the good news with us by sending praise upwards and continue to pray for the children we will meet “next year?”
My sister-in-law announced at Christmas that she and her husband are expecting a baby on July 4th. That was wonderful news and I even had a hunch that they would be pregnant when they came because I had 2 dreams the night before they arrived where Anna walked off the plane carrying a baby. Cool huh? They will be great parents!
For me, the news brought a wave of emotions that seemed to hit me out of nowhere. It felt like a tsunami and I was grasping for anything to gain control of myself. It took me a few days to sort through my emotions and really get an understanding of what I was feeling. I think I now have a good grasp on why the news hit me so hard.
The fact that someone is pregnant is not what brings on my sadness. I feel like I am pregnant and I feel like I’ve been that way for 4 months now. It doesn’t show on the outside but my heart gets bigger everyday as I think about the two children that I will get to hold in my arms. I guess in a way it is something akin to experiencing the joys and pains of actual pregnancy. It is a blessing that Zach and I are able to have a family this way, but it’s hard to wait so long.
I believe the real reason this news hit me so hard is because I see how different the reactions are when someone announces they are pregnant as opposed to when we announced we were adopting, especially since we can’t have biological children. From my experience, when someone announces they are pregnant for the first time, people get soooo excited. They want to start doing things like run to the book store and buy books about “What to expect when you’re expecting,” shop for diapers and baby clothes right away, help you think of names, ask about how you’re going to decorate the nursery, give you a keepsake of a mother and child, etc.
When we announced we were adopting the reactions were so much different. “Why? Why adopt? Why not do In Vitro? Why international adoption? Why Colombia? Why two children? Why not a baby?” and then the questions we can’t answer on how long is the wait from now? . . . from now? . . . and now? All questions which I now crave, but at first were hard to answer.
Last week when I was working through all of this I felt very selfish for having any of these feelings. I wanted to just be happy for Anna and Kurt and not feel sad at all. I seek the Lord in these times because I think he still has a lot of work to complete in me. To see life through his eyes, speak as he would speak, walk in his footsteps.
I recognize that adoption is a unique experience, so unique that people often don’t know how to react, including me. I’m still working through that with God’s help. I hope you understand.
