arden lane

I roll these new parenting experiences around in my head while trying to fall asleep at night. Teacher by profession and passion, I find that there are so many lessons here. Some without any clear objectives.

On Teaching

The biggest question we wrestle with is what is worth teaching now versus shelving for later. I know very few 6 and 4 year olds. I know no 4 and 6 year old adopted children. I often feel in the dark with distinguishing what’s worth letting slide or having to address right then.  For that matter, I’m not really sure what’s developmentally appropriate/standard for 4 and 6 year olds. That said, here are some repetitive lessons we’re working on with the girls.

Puzzles have edges. That means edge pieces go on the outside. I can’t tell if Monica gets this and is just aiming for some additional attention from Papi or if she doesn’t really understand me. Nonetheless, I’m excited that her favorite thing in the world is puzzles. She likes trying to solve problems.

Kenzie’s tail belongs to Kenzie. Not your hand. For her part, Kenzie accepted Monica and Kelly as part of the family pack. Especially because they feed her with all kinds of people food.

The Lord’s Prayer – which we recite before dinner every night (even if we do say “give us our daily bread”) – has taken root with the girls. Monica likes to recite the intonations, if not the words (although I expect she’ll know them by the end of the month). I love this.

Before opening the outside door, ask Mami or Papi. Before opening the fridge, ask Mami or Papi. Before reaching out and grabbing whatever is your reach at the dinner table, ask Mami or Papi.

Say please and thank you. The girls are quite good at this. They can be very polite. Also, ask for forgiveness when you’ve done wrong (be it accidentally or on purpose).

Papi is called Papi. Not senora (Mrs). This is a lesson that’s repetitively taught to Monica. Again, not sure if she wants extra attention or if it’s just coming out of her mouth without thinking.

Feo and loco are bad words that we don’t say. Actually, I feel we are quite blessed that when they get mad at us the worse expletive they utter is “ugly” and “crazy”.

Your first answer is the one we go with. For example, if we ask “do you want more eggs?” and they answer no, then they don’t get more eggs. If they seem confused by the question, we repeat and explain ourselves. This lesson often leads to a consequence and re-do.

Re-dos are always allowed. If Kelly hits Monica, she’s given the opportunity to ask for forgiveness and then replay the situation where the end result is not a hit, but a hug. This can get a bit tricky because some actions require consequences (which is usually a timein in a chair that faces the wall). Kelly has figured out that as soon as she gets put in the chair she can ask “de nuevo?” (again?), thereby shortening the consequence. The tricky part for me is judging when has an appropriate amount of time for a consequence been given before she completely looses her train of thought and doesn’t remember what she’s supposed to be redoing.

You can always ask for a hug or kiss.

On Learning.

This past month taught and continues to teach me all kinds of lessons.

I love being a Papi. Even on the worst days, I still love it. I feel more complete. There was this big gap in my life and now it’s filled.

Proportions. What is the appropriate amount of food, toilet paper, toothpaste, snow playing, sleep, cleanliness, hydration, noise level (from myself), and patience versus consternation for a 4 and 6 year old? I’m figuring it out.

I bite my bottom lip when I’m mad.

Whining really irritates me. Fortunately I’ve been a middle school teacher. This prepared me for incessant whining. Unlike with middle schoolers, I can’t say “please act your age.” I’m pretty sure whining is a character trait of toddlers.

Gobs and gobs of Spanish. What’s interesting is that we primarily converse with our daughters in Spanish. Still. How this will affect their English acquisition, I’m not sure.

The art of distraction. The most effective way to avoid an oncoming meltdown is to distract Monica or Kelly. Even simple distractions work. The easiest and probably healthiest distraction is “Quieres ayudar papi con [ fill in the blank]?” (do you want to help papi with…). The girls love to help out with lots of things. Sorting recycles, putting away dishes, cooking, even some cleaning.

I’m still learning to understand their fear. This can be hard. Sometimes I’m not looking at fear so much as a power struggle. But it can be very difficult to tell the difference (ie the whole bedtime routine). I’m also learning the best way to address the fear. Touch is critical. And lots of short, simple sentences.

This warrants a separate blog post, but I’m learning to wrestle with a slow, sullen anger at circumstances and parents who create orphans. And I’m learning to deal with the anger at circumstances, greed, and general sin that keep loving would-be-parents from adopting those orphans.

Confused

I suspect that I’m in the same boat with all parents, but I often wondering “are we doing this right?” Not everything. Somethings we’re doing very well. But there are moments when Ren and I look at each other and we’re both stuck. This goes with the territory I guess.

When things settle a bit, I’m very much looking forward to continuing our fellowship with our small group. I’m also hoping we can form some relationships with more adoptive parents. This will help.

I cried 2 times today but I think Monica beat me by 4. Today was REALLY tough! Starting this morning we could tell she was a little off par. I think Zach and I both expected a difficult day, but I didn’t quite imagine what actually became of it.

Small things can set Monica off. We had read in numerous adoption books that feeding and hydrating every two hours is important, telling your children what’s coming next before it happens is key, keeping to a routine so there are no surprises is hard but necessary, etc. It’s so true. When one or more of the above, not to mention life, throws something else your way, these kids don’t know how to deal with it or process their emotions appropriately. They go into survival mode. They want to control the situation in order to protect themselves. Even though we as parents know they are safe and we have a plan, they might not feel that or know that. They can’t ‘rest assured.’ So that’s what I think happened today.

Today Monica was in survival mode for whatever reason. The really really hard part is trying to teach her to trust us to take care of her in those moments. For her, when she gets upset, it’s the kind of tantrum where she is trying to hurt us first, then herself. It is very scary and very sad and very exhausting and you question every breath you take. Pile a few of those into one day and you wonder if you have any clue how to protect this child.

It’s hard. I feel like I’m not doing it “right.” I think she knows that we love her. She still wants to be held and kissed afterward. She still wants you to play games with her. She still smiles at you later and does silly, cute things.  So I continue to analyze and process the day, try to figure out what could have been done differently, try to plan for next time, try to pray, try to take deep breaths and not take it personally. And yes, cry a little.

Kristen, you are so thoughtful. Thank you for this gift!

Some people heard about the amazing gift we came home to. My sister-in-law printed and framed 30 family photos while we were in Colombia and arranged them so that there were pictures of us with the girls in every room in our house. The night we came home, even though it was 1:00 in the morning, both Kelly and Monica walked through the house pointing to themselves in each picture and saying, “Yo, mami, papi, Kelly/Monica.” It made it seem like our house really was their house too, right from the start!

Here’s a slideshow of every single framed photo. If you know someone who is adopting soon, this is a great gift idea!

Now that our out of country experience is complete, I wanted to add an additional thank you post. We have a profound sense of gratitude to so many.

In no particular order…

Children’s Hope International: We found our adoption agency providentially. Ren knew a parent in her school who worked with CHI. From that point on it has been a wonderful relationship. I can’t recommend them enough. They’ve helped us every step of the way, were very transparent, answered emails and calls right away, and cared…a lot. Special thanks to Nichole Deal – the director of the Colombia program – who is simply awesome. Nichole, you rock! (that’s from Renee).

Lucia and Andres: These two wonderful individuals are the brains in Colombia. Lucia’s a pro – she’s helped with international adoptions for decades. She’s also a keen grandmother to all the children that are adopted…not to mention very intuitive when parents need to just step out, get a cup of coffee, and gather their wits. Andres is very laconic, but highly effective. At one point we were traveling to the embassy in a taxi and almost got into a major accident (the car missed us by an inch…no joke). Because the car was about to hit Andres’ side, he jumped into my lap. I also got to learn some fascinating Colombian expletives.

Olga Elena: Our lawyer in Neiva. I’m certain she was part of the reason the adoption only took 2 days in the courts. Before the integracion she stopped by on a regular basis to see that we were doing well.

Sorany: Before starting this trip I had doubts about needing an interpreter that often. My Spanish is solid (and Renee does well too). That said, I’m so very glad we got Sorany. She was more than an interpreter. Part tour guide, part Aunt, part friend. She made our experience more rewarding (and the girls loved her). She, too, was a blessing.

Orlando: I have to place a small thanks for Orlando the waiter at our hotel in Neiva. He loved the girls. And he took care of us every morning.

Friends and Family: A double thanks to all of them. Their comments (on this blog), prayers, gifts, and advice have sustained us. How awesome is it that our girls get to come back to a loving community that can’t wait to help them grow! We are richly blessed. Special thanks to the Rozells who welcomed us back to the states with a home cooked meal and a chance for all our girls to play (it was a bittersweet in some ways…makes us realize how much we miss you Chris and Kara!) while in Atlanta. Double special thanks to Jeff and Kristin, who we love so much, for decorating our house with pictures of us as a family. This truly was a spectacular gift to see when the girls first walked into the house. Ownership! And for abuelos, abuelas, tios and tias, primas and primos.

The US Government: You might think I’m at the part of the speech where the violins are telling me to get off the stage…I mean, the US government? But I’m actually serious. Sometime in years past some legislator put an amendment into the tax code that gives adoptive parents a significant tax credit for adopting children. In my opinion, this is a good thing. International adoption is expensive. The help is appreciated. And noted.

Finally, our Lord: We didn’t really enter into adoption for altruistic reasons. It was selfish. We wanted children. Nevertheless, I am acutely conscience of the verse from James 1:27. I’m very grateful for the blessing of these two girls. It is my sincere prayer that they grow into Godly women who reflect the joy and the glory of the Lord.

Well, here’s our take on the divide and conquer strategy. We have chosen an evening routine that allows for a couple different things. It gives both of us a chance to focus equally on Kelly and Monica individually, and it gives the sisters some time apart from each other.

At dinner, Zach and I switch which girl we are sitting next to at the table each night. The girls eat at the same place setting but we move. Whomever we sit next to that night is the girl we bathe and read to after supper. So, for an hour, the girls have alone time with one parent. So far so good. We don’t have a set bedtime, although of all the times we’ve tried 8:00 seems to work well. We’ll keep trying that and see how it goes.

Random things: the girls love to play dress-up. our toilet lid lasted less than a week with kids. baby monitors are a life saver. our hall banister is coming off the wall. we need to put latches on doors and safety locks on drawers. “don’t touch” has no meaning. we have too many toys. less is more.

For both girls, the United States is a nebulous concept. They keep asking “a la Estados Unidos?” even though we’re in the Estados Unidos.

Monica loves Dora Dora stories. In Spanish.

Kelly’s time in chair must be carefully chosen. Otherwise, she just sits and laughs. Which is really cute, but not very effective.

Monica runs around the house yelling “Lapido, Lapido” to Kelly.

For the first time in our 4 years of living in our house, our dinning room is constantly getting used. Breakfast, lunch, dinner all take place there. Not only do we channel our inner Ward and June Cleaver, but it’s a highly effective way to make sure we all get time to eat. Kenzie likes to sit next to Kelly.

We go through a carton of eggs every 2 days.

At the end of the day, our house is actually pretty clean. I expected it to look like a bomb went off. The girls usually only pick 2 or 3 toys to play with and stick with them for the day.

Kelly thinks all the playsets in our neighboors’ yards are parks where we can play.

Our driveway is called a street.

Kelly puts all her stuffed animals to sleep at night by saying to each one “I love you” (in English!) and giving them a kiss. Just like we do for her.

When Kelly asks permission to do something, like open the kitchen door, and we say “No” she puts her hand up like a stop sign and says “Ok, Thank you, thank you.” (in English again!)

Monica loves to count to 10 in English. She also loves the airplane game at dinner time. Anything to be treated like a baby.

Monica takes her baby doll everywhere! Loves to change it’s diaper, feed it a bottle, put it to sleep.

Neither of the girls like vegetables, although I’ll give them credit. If we say eat 3 bites, they’ll eat three bites with a sour expression. At least they try it.

If we only fed them fruit all day they would be in heaven.

Kelly is groggy after a nap and wants to be held, then lay on the couch and just chill.

Monica is fascinated by the cold weather. Kelly is annoyed by it.

Monica still says “piscina” every other word. Or chi chi. Just depends on her mood.

Some firsts for them were escalators, moving sidewalks, steps to the second floor, cold weather, blowing breath outside in the cold, mittens, boots, hats, coats, seatbelts, peanut butter and jelly, American ‘juice’, warm pajamas, stools (they keep falling off of them), cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles, coloring on the computer.

This is everything you’re NOT supposed to do 2 days after bringing home your children. We held a birthday party for Monica. She turned 6 the day we flew home from Bogota. Although she was clearly overwhelmed the first couple days by everything new, family, home, friends, clothes, toys, etc. she definitely loved the birthday party. I hope she will remember it fondly.