arden lane

Is what Monica and Kelly call roast beef.

Kelly loves it. With pickles and cheese.

Monica is not a fan. She likes bologna.With ketchup.

We ran out of jelly this week. So we had to branch out with school lunches.

To start clear: Renee and I don’t spank our girls.

In fact, the girls know it as one of the cardinal rules in our house. We don’t hit. Therefore we don’t spank.

But it’s interesting that they’ve picked up on the fact that other families do spank. And, in their 6 and 7 year old minds, they get to wondering that if it’s not okay for our family, then why is it okay for other families to spank their children? Everything is black and white to a 1st grader, and it’s always interesting trying to explain to them that other families have different ways of raising their children. I don’t think they buy my explanation.

Probably, because at the end of the day, I happen to think this is a pretty black and white issue.

So here’s my stab at exploring the parenting technique of spanking.

First, some context as to why write about this

My dad always said you can’t tell a person how to raise their kids. For the most part, I agree with this statement. I generally think there’s a spectrum of “decent, acceptable” parenting that adults can fall into…even if they don’t necessarily hit the optimal part on that spectrum for a given child. Outside the spectrum you have crime – pure abuse – that requires society to intervene on behalf  of the child. Inside the spectrum you have suggestions, observations, and, yes, occasionally, gossip and arrogance.

I’m trying to avoid the arrogance with this post. I’m not really looking to wag fingers. Or pick a fight.

But I do think peers have a big influence on parenting styles. And one of my peer groups – evangelical Christians – has a greater tendency to use spanking as a parenting tool. Given time, I believe this will change because enough of us have voiced our deep skepticism and concern with spanking.

Because we are talking about it. Renee and I both have had a lot of conversations with friends and family over the merits or non-merits of spanking. And, when you look at the data in the United States, it looks like it is a conversation that people are having.

Second, some family context

Spanking was a behavioral technique used on both our behinds growing up. While not used often, I vaguelly remember a paddle coming out (usually more as a threat) when I did something wrong. I think my parents went with more of the James Dobson approach that spanking was okay as long as the parent did not do it in anger (at least that was his stance in the 80s…it might be different now).

The point being that in the 70 and 80s, this was a common parenting technique. Lots of people spanked their kids! Heck, schools even spanked children (known as the good old days of discipline by some older teachers).

It’s interesting to note that while spanking may have been common, whooping (as in with a belt or birch switch) had fallen out of style. And that gets to one of my points: the norms of society are continually changing.

As for our girls, here’s an anecdote to put things into perspective.

Last spring Kelly kept having behavior problems at school. A note would come home just about every day. It frustrated Renee and I to no end. One day I finally voiced what I was thinking to Kelly.

“Geez, Kelly, sometimes I just think you need a spanking.”

Kelly immediately quieted and looked at me with big eyes. In all seriousness, she asked me:

“Papi, are you going to hit me with or without the shoe?”

With or without the shoe? That simple response put it all in context. You don’t hit children. You especially don’t hit children who started life witnessing and experiencing way too much violence.

Why Spank?

Some folks might say you spank as a punishment. That is, spanking is a form of retribution. But most people I know who spank use spanking a means to change behavior. Spanking is justified because it stops a child from doing behaviors that are bad for them.

In my second post I’ll explore why this isn’t true. Lots of studies show that spanking (or corporal punishment) might change the immediate behavior – but has very little effect on long term behavior. I’ll explore how spanking really doesn’t hold to sound moral logic (if it’s not okay to slap adults, why is it okay to slap children?).

Today we celebrated being a forever family for two years. On January 13, 2010 we met Monica and Kelly for the first time and memories of that day are ingrained in my mind. I love them tons. They try my patience tons. They crack me up tons. And we process a lot of things through talking.

Today as I was driving Kelly to gymnastics we had the following conversation as she processed how much I love her since our first Gotcha Day.

K – Mommy, I know you love me so much.

Me – I do love you so much.

K – I know you love me ALLLLL the clouds.

Me – Yes. I love you ALLLLL the clouds.

K – And you love me every single state. Right mommy?

Me – Yes. I love you every single state.

K – Even the states with bears in them!!??

Me – Yes. Even the states with bears!

K – Mommy, do you like bears?

If you know Kelly, you know how normal of a conversation this is

I love both my girls all the clouds, every single state, and even the ones with bears. That’s a lot of love!!!!!

January 13, 2012

January 13, 2010

Kelly, very clearly, has sensory integration delay. From what I understand, this is actually a pretty normal thing for adopted kids. Because of their less-than ideal way of starting life, they did not get to develop their senses at a common pace (think – a baby putting everything in his mouth).

Kelly will go through these periods of deep sense development (at least I hope it’s development!) that are fascinating (and, sometimes, concerning). These periods are usually triggered by a change up in schedule which, we think, stresses her out. Kelly really likes routine and predictability.

Here’s the order of senses we’ve been through.

Taste

When we first got Kelly she would taste everything. Doorknobs, people’s hands, toys, dirt, whatever. Watching early videos of her you can see her little fingers always touching and tasting. The tongue was a way of understanding the world. Very much like a 6 month infant .

This stopped after about 3 months. While gross, this was a pretty easy sense cycle to deal with (with the occasional humorous apology for “my daughter licking your hand”).

Touch

This sense exhibited itself in humorous and painful ways. I can remember being at Young St Park and watching Kelly slither and writhe in the sand – trying to get as many grains as possible to rub their way into her skin. She loved the feeling.

We also went through a period of chewing. Kelly chewed the outside of her mouth raw. She looked, frankly, like a clown. It alarmed us and her teachers. And it was this habit (or tick) that we first tried to stop directly (to little affect…we’ve found that most of these cycles need to just burn themselves out). We’re very fortunate that this tick has not returned.

Sight

It seems like every few months Kelly will start to obsessively blink. Blink, blink, blink. Scrunched face blink. It lasts for a week or two (usually around big changes in her life like the start of school, the end of school and start of summer, winter arriving, etc.) and then fades.

When this happens we like to smile and kiss her eyes. I’ve also waved the occasional onion under her eyes while cooking dinner. She laughs.

Smell

Smell started about a month ago (we can’t really figure out what triggered it…perhaps Thanksgiving?). Kelly likes to “cup her hand” around scents and bring them to her nose. You’ll see her, sometimes every 15 seconds, bring a cupped hand to her nose and sniff. She appears to want to smell everything and anything.

Kelly Smelling

On a related note, she’s also had strep-throat 3 times since the start of school. I’m leaning more towards causation than correlation.

We’re still waiting for this one to fade (and I’m sure it will). One thing I’ve learned with working and visiting elementary schools the last few years: all kids are weird (almost equally so). So our kids’ “not normal” is usually pretty normal (especially when put in the context of how they started their lives).

We still love them bunches.

And we’re still waiting for hearing.

Kelly said she wanted to tell me something really amazing that her teacher Amanda told her today. She said that Miss Amanda told her that sickness was coming tonight to leave presents in her stocking.

‘What did she say Kelly?” I asked.

‘Sickness is coming tonight to leave presents in our stockings!’

‘Oh, you mean St. Nicholas.’

‘Yeah, St. Nicholas is coming to leave presidents in our stockings! Is that true mommy?’

What could I say? ‘Oh course! Sickness and presidents. Just remember to leave some carrots . . . ‘